09-14-2013, 12:01 AM
All right. Sleep finished the night. I was reading it: You slept on a bench and finished the night.
I imagined an invisible comma there for some reason, and was reading it like one of those short form poems.
Sleep on a bench
finished the night
The first two lines, you are active. Kind of active. You missed, you stopped. Then there's a transition with the line about it not raining; then the last two lines just comment on what sleep did. Your sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a nice effect if you think awhile about it. Though others might find something wrong with it, and if so, let them explain why.
These short poems with little detail can be strong. Just keep working with them, I think you can take them somewhere.
I imagined an invisible comma there for some reason, and was reading it like one of those short form poems.
Sleep on a bench
finished the night
The first two lines, you are active. Kind of active. You missed, you stopped. Then there's a transition with the line about it not raining; then the last two lines just comment on what sleep did. Your sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a nice effect if you think awhile about it. Though others might find something wrong with it, and if so, let them explain why.
These short poems with little detail can be strong. Just keep working with them, I think you can take them somewhere.