Good Morning, Housemate

[Jim Steele]

Hi Jim
Great to see a post from you - This works on a couple of levels for me although i do keep wandering what sort of snub a pet shop snake makes. This does read as a bit odd, but perhaps i am just missing something here. (No experiance with snakes do they ignore people by any chance).
I particularly like that you do not have a progression towards niceness and that there is not a predictable ending of ...but I like you really.
Two lines I am uncertain about is the play between Turn that light off - and Don't turn the light on. (Just not convinced that this is not one don't too many, but then i like the repition of the grump about the light.
The other thing is I think the 2nd line is a bit clunky to read - not very smooth.

Hope these comments are of some help.
Welcome to the site
All the best AJ.

Thanks a bunch for the critiques! Much appreciated.

The line about the pet shop snake wasn't as clear as I woul have liked, but the image I was tryin to invoke was that of a child or teenager tapping on the glass of an inactive reptile and being utterly snubbed. Perhaps a zoo, or a different animal, might have conveyed it better?

As for the repetition of turning off the light, I won't lie - I straight-up missed that, heh. All the times I re-read this and somehow I managed to totally overlook that double-usage. :/ This will be fixed in my next draft.

I didn't have the same awkward feeling about the second line, but seeing as multiple people have, it's worth revising. I appreciate the honesty - thanks again for the response!

Hi Jim, enjoyed the grouchy mood, from a distance.

While I'm pretty poor at hacking lines out of my poems, I think it might work for your last line S5.


Just leave me alone.
I really don't care.
Stay out of my way.
I'll get breakfast somewhere.

Just a thought

Thanks for the help You're right , I definitely need to do something about S5. Maybe I'll split it into two stanzas, seeing as I still want to emphasize going anywhere else but there to eat. Your version definitely flows better than the original, though - thanks again!