12-09-2013, 02:28 AM
I like the concept of the poem, but the poem itself doesn't work for me yet. From "I'm not at liberty..." the poem goes into a cryptic ramble (which is of course realistic when someone passes out 
). But I think the challenge here is to write something that gives the impression of rambling, but is still somehow understandable for the reader. As it is, it didn't work for me that way yet.
All best,
Jan
). But I think the challenge here is to write something that gives the impression of rambling, but is still somehow understandable for the reader. As it is, it didn't work for me that way yet.All best,
Jan
(11-30-2013, 01:09 PM)PoetryAndPhysics Wrote: i can't breathe.
someone help me, please call an ambulance.
i'm in such pain right now.
so sorry, it would just be nice to have that ambulance.
in no rush i'd assure you if
there is anything, but there isn't, so...
i'm not at liberty to say a thing.
and you know that there
aren't any words, and
any of those things that are
not there, well,
they're always, well,
anyway, i
only wanted one.