12-09-2013, 11:16 AM
This poem lacks substance in my opinion. What's the point? What were you hoping to communicate, that people become incoherent as they die/fall unconscious? The rambling added very little, I think. As a previous commenter said, the rambling itself should contain more substance. If your inspiration was a poisoned mob boss, make that clear. Maybe as he dies, he decides to confess his sins--something like that.