01-12-2014, 08:29 PM
I found this deeply personal and tragic. I also get the strong impression that it's true and as such am wary of offering novice opinions.
In any case here goes.
I'd echo Billy's point that you could trim this heavily in places. Choosing the strongest images and emotions will give this even more impact than it already has.
The midway transition is haunting, but the line could be improved slightly. Alternatively, use it as a direct quote if that's what it is.
The temporal shift in the last stanza is great too. It eases the tension evoked by the impression that this is a recent event, while highlighting that the experience hasn't diminished with the passage of time.
Thank you, and heartfelt condolences if this is a personal reflection.
In any case here goes.
I'd echo Billy's point that you could trim this heavily in places. Choosing the strongest images and emotions will give this even more impact than it already has.
The midway transition is haunting, but the line could be improved slightly. Alternatively, use it as a direct quote if that's what it is.
The temporal shift in the last stanza is great too. It eases the tension evoked by the impression that this is a recent event, while highlighting that the experience hasn't diminished with the passage of time.
Thank you, and heartfelt condolences if this is a personal reflection.