03-24-2014, 09:00 AM
Yes, a little preachy, but a cool sounding/feeling poem overall to me. Some real good rhythm in there, some real rhythmic and clever lines in there, methinks.
A couple of unnecessary words I might clip-out to strengthen it, an apostrophe or two. And I think the first four lines could be better realized, made a little stronger, bring the reader in and engage them quicker.
But you've got some talent to build on, if that is what you wish.
A couple of unnecessary words I might clip-out to strengthen it, an apostrophe or two. And I think the first four lines could be better realized, made a little stronger, bring the reader in and engage them quicker.
But you've got some talent to build on, if that is what you wish.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."