Do You Fear the Passage of Time

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Do You Fear the Passage of Time

Do you fear the passage of time?<--I think it's stronger if you make either an declarative or imperative statement. "I fear the passage of time" or "fear the passage of time"

That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind<-- snuff refers to a candle, but also to killing someone, I don't think that's what you mean here.
only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?<--I appreciate that you are carrying the image forward. I don't see the wispy smoke from a flame representing loss or fear of loss.
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
And all that will remain is a sooty stain<--Did you intend to say that all that all that remains or you fear that all that will remain of the memory of your loved ones is a carbon stain?
In the deepest recesses of thought,
That serve only to remind us of something,
But something that we cannot fully remember?
Clever, and ever evading our desperate grasp,<--What is being anthropomorphized here? The fleeting thought? That doesn't fit the earlier part of the piece.
Our clasping hands, as if searching for the stars
Covered by heavy clouds, or try to catch moonlight
With naught but a jar and a net?<--Is this a new metaphor. I'm not seeing how we made this transition. fist a dying or blown out candle, then a thought personified. I think you need to focus more on the experience, the person and less on the analogies.

Or can you see that room must be made for room to grow?
That though candles will fade, the sun will pour in?
That the clouds will blow over and ever more vibrant
Will new memories gleam?
Learn from the sun, who rather than eternally chase the moon,
Enjoys his own warmth,
Lest you become the snake who swallows himself whole.<--Why a snake

Aging and the loss of loved ones, and ultimately everything is a pretty big topic. Whole faiths have grown up exploring this loss, this impermanence. A lot of this is repetitive. And the shift to the sun pouring in is forced. I would suggest keep it small. Pick an object. If it's a candle, the reader should understand why it's a candle. I think the object should represent the loss or the person lost. Was the candle special to them, or something else.

I'm afraid this comes off as overly harsh. Here's what I'm reading: that you're feeling something, and you're trying to relate this feeling to a thing or or a process that you feel is representative, not related. What I would find interesting is tell me about you loss by creating an experience. Create the experience of feeling, don't describe the feeling, that's something everyone has or will experience.