Do You Fear the Passage of Time

[Willpark]

Do You Fear the Passage of Time

Do you fear the passage of time?
That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind
only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
And all that will remain is a sooty stain
In the deepest recesses of thought,
That serve only to remind us of something,
But something that we cannot fully remember?
Clever, and ever evading our desperate grasp,
Our clasping hands, as if searching for the stars
Covered by heavy clouds, or try to catch moonlight
With naught but a jar and a net?

Or can you see that room must be made for room to grow?
That though candles will fade, the sun will pour in?
That the clouds will blow over and ever more vibrant
Will new memories gleam?
Learn from the sun, who rather than eternally chase the moon,
Enjoys his own warmth,
Lest you become the snake who swallows himself whole.

[Caleb Murdock]

This is my first time on the Novice board, so I'm not sure how much of a critique to give.

I'd like to suggest that you revise the poem with an eye to cutting out unnecessary phrases and lines. For example, you wrote this:

Do you fear the passage of time?
That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind
only smoky remnants of our past?

But this, I think, is an improvement:

Do you fear the passage of time?
That day when all our flames are snuffed out
Leaving only smoking remnants of our past?

The word "our" pretty much explains to the reader that you mean the people who are dear to you -- you don't need to list them.

I've posted those lines just as an example of how a wordy poem can be cut down. When cutting out phrases, ask yourself, "Is this phrase central to the meaning of the poem, or does it provide necessary details or somehow expand on the central theme?" If not, it should go. Having said that, I should point out that ballad-type poems -- i.e., poems that tell a story -- are an exception to the rule.

[Jinxy]

only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,

Be wary of unneccessary repitition. You repeat the word 'smoke' several times in this section, and you use 'our' more than enough times throughout the first verse. "our desperate grasp, Our clasping hands" "our friends, our family" There is no need to constantly and consecutively reestablish the pronoun.

[kaiaferg]

very powerful, but if i was going to give any critique i would find a different word to use other than snuff when relating to the dying flames of our memories of family and friends as it is not as powerful then the other words you have used to create powerful imagery, and there are some lines that disturb the flow of the theme i feel , like 'or try to catch moonlight,With naught but a jar and a net?' and 'Lest you become the snake who swallows himself whole' i feel as though these ideas take away from the main thing you are trying to get across and creates a little bit of confusion, but other than that very honest and powerfully written.

[ChristopherSea]

Will, there's a good deal of superfluous wording and repetition herein. Smoke, sooty, hazy, cloudy are synonymous in the context of your poem and some used multiple times. The same goes for candles and flames. This poem should be condensed into a stanza of 8 lines or less. Strive for brevity, as regurgitation of the same point weakens a poem. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

[Erthona]

Stay away from asking question in a poem. It is disingenuous as the writer already knows the answer, making it just a device as the reader cannot answer back. Own the words.

Example, not a suggestion:

I fear the passage of time,
that one day, my friends,
my family and all I hold dear
will be snuffed out and left behind.

Dale

[LorettaYoung]

Do You Fear the Passage of Time

Do you fear the passage of time?
That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind
only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
And all that will remain is a sooty stain
In the deepest recesses of thought,
That serve only to remind us of something,
But something that we cannot fully remember?
Clever, and ever evading our desperate grasp,
Our clasping hands, as if searching for the stars
Covered by heavy clouds, or try to catch moonlight
With naught but a jar and a net?

Or can you see that room must be made for room to grow?
That though candles will fade, the sun will pour in?
That the clouds will blow over and ever more vibrant
Will new memories gleam?
Learn from the sun, who rather than eternally chase the moon,
Enjoys his own warmth,
Lest you become the snake who swallows himself whole.

---

Hello; completely new here and ignorant too. I don't understand how the title relates to the poem; the brain is capable of storing immense information, i don't think memories fade by themselves. I found it a bit repetitive, esp. the first stanza and slow reading. Interesting idea from your perspective? But i will assure you, my post is more in need of repair. Loretta

[benno_422]

Hi, I'm new here as well.
I don't necessarily mind one, or even two, question marks in a poem, but I don't think the question marks in the middle section of the first stanza(?) are adding all that much. Similarly with starting the second stanza with a question, I feel like if you are going to ask a question it needs to feel earnestly like you are asking the reader a question, and it needs to be used sparingly.

Wispy intangibility feels like it is on the verge of repeating the same feeling twice, while deepest recesses is too commonly used to have the punch I feel you really want for this poem.

[Babeanew]

Hi,

I really like the theme, and your insights.
I agree you should work on the imagery, lots of smoke and haze. So you could really shorten the poem or find different associations.
You could really do without the questions, and it wouldn't change much.

Alex

[bbcashdollar]

Do You Fear the Passage of Time

Do you fear the passage of time?<--I think it's stronger if you make either an declarative or imperative statement. "I fear the passage of time" or "fear the passage of time"

That one day, the flames of our friends,
our family and all that is dear
will snuff out, and leave behind<-- snuff refers to a candle, but also to killing someone, I don't think that's what you mean here.
only smoky remnants of our past?
That with time, what we hold as the center
of our lives, we will push to the edges
of thought, and that what once was so dear
will fade, and all that will remain is hazy smoke,
the wispy intangibility of our memories?<--I appreciate that you are carrying the image forward. I don't see the wispy smoke from a flame representing loss or fear of loss.
That in time this smoke, too, will clear,
And all that will remain is a sooty stain<--Did you intend to say that all that all that remains or you fear that all that will remain of the memory of your loved ones is a carbon stain?
In the deepest recesses of thought,
That serve only to remind us of something,
But something that we cannot fully remember?
Clever, and ever evading our desperate grasp,<--What is being anthropomorphized here? The fleeting thought? That doesn't fit the earlier part of the piece.
Our clasping hands, as if searching for the stars
Covered by heavy clouds, or try to catch moonlight
With naught but a jar and a net?<--Is this a new metaphor. I'm not seeing how we made this transition. fist a dying or blown out candle, then a thought personified. I think you need to focus more on the experience, the person and less on the analogies.

Or can you see that room must be made for room to grow?
That though candles will fade, the sun will pour in?
That the clouds will blow over and ever more vibrant
Will new memories gleam?
Learn from the sun, who rather than eternally chase the moon,
Enjoys his own warmth,
Lest you become the snake who swallows himself whole.<--Why a snake

Aging and the loss of loved ones, and ultimately everything is a pretty big topic. Whole faiths have grown up exploring this loss, this impermanence. A lot of this is repetitive. And the shift to the sun pouring in is forced. I would suggest keep it small. Pick an object. If it's a candle, the reader should understand why it's a candle. I think the object should represent the loss or the person lost. Was the candle special to them, or something else.

I'm afraid this comes off as overly harsh. Here's what I'm reading: that you're feeling something, and you're trying to relate this feeling to a thing or or a process that you feel is representative, not related. What I would find interesting is tell me about you loss by creating an experience. Create the experience of feeling, don't describe the feeling, that's something everyone has or will experience.

[Todd]

I would suggest that you ruthlessly edit this poem. Cut it to its essentials. Say with a few words what you say with many. It should help.