08-20-2014, 01:10 AM
Hi alatos.
I liked this one. It flowed nicely, had great imagery, conveyed emotion, and told the whole story with a solid finish. I like the change you made in v. 2 (restless clouds) but there is one thing I want to point out. In this line "I whispered psalms within my capsized boat." if he is able to see everything (dusk took form.... fractured light..), that would kind of insinuate that he is outside or on top of the capsized boat so wouldn't "I whispered psalms upon my capsized boat." make a little more sense? Of course I would be way off here but that was really the only thing I could think of to point out. Nice job!
I liked this one. It flowed nicely, had great imagery, conveyed emotion, and told the whole story with a solid finish. I like the change you made in v. 2 (restless clouds) but there is one thing I want to point out. In this line "I whispered psalms within my capsized boat." if he is able to see everything (dusk took form.... fractured light..), that would kind of insinuate that he is outside or on top of the capsized boat so wouldn't "I whispered psalms upon my capsized boat." make a little more sense? Of course I would be way off here but that was really the only thing I could think of to point out. Nice job!
What is the point of living if you don't allow yourself to live?