01-23-2015, 11:17 PM
Nice man, I'd lose some syllables for the sake of flow, though.
"Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able" could be shortened to "...weak minds of the young, the willing and able."
And "a chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace" could be "...an imperfect deceitful disgrace."
I enjoy this piece, I just wanted it to flow more easily. Just my suggestion. I am by no means experienced in poetry.
"Preying on the minds of the young, the weak, the ready willing and able" could be shortened to "...weak minds of the young, the willing and able."
And "a chemical imbalance, an imperfection, a deceitful disgrace" could be "...an imperfect deceitful disgrace."
I enjoy this piece, I just wanted it to flow more easily. Just my suggestion. I am by no means experienced in poetry.