11-26-2015, 12:02 AM
Second edit, see updated initial post for edit trail.
Tried to implement as much as possible of the fine criticism received, while clinging doggedly to the sonnet form.
@Minu's suggestions were therefore most difficult to apply since they would have required removing about one word in three and a number of lines: the sonnet demands, not a set number of words, but of syllables and lines. I have tried to get into their spirit by replacing repetition with variety, word change on line 1, etc..
Former line 3 flipped to line 2 since it was admired by some; moving it all the way up to line 1 would require revamp of the whole rhyme scheme, but perhaps that is necessary: feedback on this point would be welcome.
Missing punctuation in some lines is intentional, to speed the read. Does this work, or just look amateur?
Non-bumping edit (2.01?) - changed "lost" to "blind" in line 11 - just for the record. (g)
Edit2
Losing Track
As I drove west alone one deep-skied night,
My speed was seventy; old darkness ruled.
Conditionally wakeful: coffee-fueled.
Ahead, three painted traces flickered white.
Lines marked the road’s low edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.
One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If three, I knew I’d get no chance to stop,
But run blind off the road too fast and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, smashing fatally.
So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
Sustained, gut-loosening, helpless dread was worse.
Tried to implement as much as possible of the fine criticism received, while clinging doggedly to the sonnet form.
@Minu's suggestions were therefore most difficult to apply since they would have required removing about one word in three and a number of lines: the sonnet demands, not a set number of words, but of syllables and lines. I have tried to get into their spirit by replacing repetition with variety, word change on line 1, etc..
Former line 3 flipped to line 2 since it was admired by some; moving it all the way up to line 1 would require revamp of the whole rhyme scheme, but perhaps that is necessary: feedback on this point would be welcome.
Missing punctuation in some lines is intentional, to speed the read. Does this work, or just look amateur?
Non-bumping edit (2.01?) - changed "lost" to "blind" in line 11 - just for the record. (g)
Edit2
Losing Track
As I drove west alone one deep-skied night,
My speed was seventy; old darkness ruled.
Conditionally wakeful: coffee-fueled.
Ahead, three painted traces flickered white.
Lines marked the road’s low edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.
One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If three, I knew I’d get no chance to stop,
But run blind off the road too fast and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, smashing fatally.
So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
Sustained, gut-loosening, helpless dread was worse.
Non-practicing atheist