12-26-2015, 08:23 PM
I'm with billy, way too many "I'm from" 's.
One per stanza is a good way of doing it.
Or you could put the "I'm from" in a title:
Where I'm From
Brea California
where I received my body and watched it grow 13 years, still yet to be filled;
Birmingham Michigan
where I learned the world wasn't always cut out for me or itself;
etc.
While some of the entries could stand a bit of pruning, my main objection
to the poem is when it shades into instruction, explanation, even moralizing.
I think it works best as straight description.
Two examples:
"I'm from countless psychedelic trips across countries and venues
where my mind was constantly renewed and refreshed, for never is it truly finished growing;"
"I'm from the Peruvian Amazon
where I found indigenous simplicity and harmony being crushed by the polished numb fist of the Industrial Revolution;"
And "being crushed by the polished numb fist" is dreadful hyperbole as well.
Because of the poem's strong cyclic rhythm, it might be better to shorten it
so the effect doesn't get wearing. Instead of 3 stanzas of 5 , you might make it
2 of 5, or even 2 of 4. And the entry at the last might be shortened as well.
Take out 1/3 of the drugs and 1/2 of the authors?
The "where do I begin?" at the end comes off as a joke of sorts. Not that a joke
is necessarily bad, but it should find the reader agreeable with the poem, not relieved
from having finished it.
The "Where are you from?" shouldn't come at the last; or, at least, not just at the last.
It could be asked at the end of each stanza if you went to two stanzas instead of three.
That said, the lists are well-selected, and certainly brought back memories:
wonderful, complex, nostalgic... and maybe just a little bit frightening.
Ray
One per stanza is a good way of doing it.
Or you could put the "I'm from" in a title:
Where I'm From
Brea California
where I received my body and watched it grow 13 years, still yet to be filled;
Birmingham Michigan
where I learned the world wasn't always cut out for me or itself;
etc.
While some of the entries could stand a bit of pruning, my main objection
to the poem is when it shades into instruction, explanation, even moralizing.
I think it works best as straight description.
Two examples:
"I'm from countless psychedelic trips across countries and venues
where my mind was constantly renewed and refreshed, for never is it truly finished growing;"
"I'm from the Peruvian Amazon
where I found indigenous simplicity and harmony being crushed by the polished numb fist of the Industrial Revolution;"
And "being crushed by the polished numb fist" is dreadful hyperbole as well.
Because of the poem's strong cyclic rhythm, it might be better to shorten it
so the effect doesn't get wearing. Instead of 3 stanzas of 5 , you might make it
2 of 5, or even 2 of 4. And the entry at the last might be shortened as well.
Take out 1/3 of the drugs and 1/2 of the authors?
The "where do I begin?" at the end comes off as a joke of sorts. Not that a joke
is necessarily bad, but it should find the reader agreeable with the poem, not relieved
from having finished it.
The "Where are you from?" shouldn't come at the last; or, at least, not just at the last.
It could be asked at the end of each stanza if you went to two stanzas instead of three.
That said, the lists are well-selected, and certainly brought back memories:
wonderful, complex, nostalgic... and maybe just a little bit frightening.
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions