05-10-2016, 12:03 PM
Your poem was fun to read. Now on to the critque, lol.
I see your pretty good at establishing metaphorical concepts that can express meaning, but you can do it better.
we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt
Your transition from "of spent fantasies" to "inscribed withe neon runes" left me thinking okay cool metaphors but wondering how the spent fantasies got inscribed with neon runes. Im guilty of this to. At times I do not properly explain if at all the how of something therefore leaving it up to the imagination of the reader. Look at your first two lines and how they transition from metaphorical concept to metaphorical concept. Thats what I mean when I say smooth transition and explaining the how or the why. Your last line "grinding to a halt" had no relation whatvso ever to what came before it. Improve this and youll already be better. But anyway I do enjoy your style of poetry. It seems deeply metaphorical and invoking of the imagination. Keep it up. If you want you can pm me for help or to trade poems. Im always down to peer down the depths of my mind tearing off old disguises withered in time, lol.
It's best to post poems on the open forum instead of through PM, that way each is user and date stamped and we all get the benefit of the discussion.
/ella
I see your pretty good at establishing metaphorical concepts that can express meaning, but you can do it better.
we came so far
on the escalating upwards crescendo
of spent fantasies
inscribed with neon runes
grinding to a halt
Your transition from "of spent fantasies" to "inscribed withe neon runes" left me thinking okay cool metaphors but wondering how the spent fantasies got inscribed with neon runes. Im guilty of this to. At times I do not properly explain if at all the how of something therefore leaving it up to the imagination of the reader. Look at your first two lines and how they transition from metaphorical concept to metaphorical concept. Thats what I mean when I say smooth transition and explaining the how or the why. Your last line "grinding to a halt" had no relation whatvso ever to what came before it. Improve this and youll already be better. But anyway I do enjoy your style of poetry. It seems deeply metaphorical and invoking of the imagination. Keep it up. If you want you can pm me for help or to trade poems. Im always down to peer down the depths of my mind tearing off old disguises withered in time, lol.
It's best to post poems on the open forum instead of through PM, that way each is user and date stamped and we all get the benefit of the discussion.
/ella