02-11-2017, 09:25 AM
Hi canofworms. So, it seems like what you have here is, at the core, a pretty timeless theme of the man-eater, the Pandora, the Delilah (and then the explicit reference to the Sirens). I get that the crow is important to the scene, but it's overdone -- you only need one or two references, and repeating it actually weakens its impact. The more you repeat it, the more it feels like you're trying to rip off "The Raven."
It's clear that you have a good handle on the English language, but it's still a sprawling piece. Needs a lot of trimming. Some things don't need to be repeated, like in line 4 you repeat almost verbatim the line about the window and the log that you have in line two. You don't need to hammer points home like that -- trust in your reader a little bit to remember and make connections.
Since this is in basic, I'll only make one more point, and that's that the line about watching a train wreck for the last 400 years...trains haven't existed that long. I understand that you're not being literal, but I keep reading that bit and being bothered by the logical inconsistency.
Hope this helps some.
Lizzie
It's clear that you have a good handle on the English language, but it's still a sprawling piece. Needs a lot of trimming. Some things don't need to be repeated, like in line 4 you repeat almost verbatim the line about the window and the log that you have in line two. You don't need to hammer points home like that -- trust in your reader a little bit to remember and make connections.
Since this is in basic, I'll only make one more point, and that's that the line about watching a train wreck for the last 400 years...trains haven't existed that long. I understand that you're not being literal, but I keep reading that bit and being bothered by the logical inconsistency.
Hope this helps some.
Lizzie