10-11-2017, 09:47 AM
hello,
“like broken dreams” is a cliche and the last lines are too prosaic. i get the impression you had the aphoristic thought, something like, “snow is cold as a practiced smile” and tried to lazily build a poem around this witticism. the first line is relatively interesting, though. i’d keep that and jettison the rest.
“like broken dreams” is a cliche and the last lines are too prosaic. i get the impression you had the aphoristic thought, something like, “snow is cold as a practiced smile” and tried to lazily build a poem around this witticism. the first line is relatively interesting, though. i’d keep that and jettison the rest.
(10-11-2017, 08:21 AM)Richard Wrote: Winter Storm
Clouds grey as a brain.
Ice pellets fall and shatter
like broken dreams.
But fresh snow isn't nearly as cold
as a practiced smile that covers one's face.