10-14-2017, 02:06 AM
Hi Richard. I'm new here, I have been reading the posts your poem caught my eye
IMHO, your 1st edit is fine I do like what you have added. The second S is a perfect metaphor for what you are trying to convey.
I have another suggestion to replace broken dreams
ice pellets fall and shatter
like dreams of what we once had
S3 is perfect as it is, in my opinion it is needed it brings the poem back to reality and leaves the reader wanting more
From my experience we can over work a poem and loose the initial thoughts the author had intended.
Linda
IMHO, your 1st edit is fine I do like what you have added. The second S is a perfect metaphor for what you are trying to convey.
I have another suggestion to replace broken dreams
ice pellets fall and shatter
like dreams of what we once had
S3 is perfect as it is, in my opinion it is needed it brings the poem back to reality and leaves the reader wanting more
From my experience we can over work a poem and loose the initial thoughts the author had intended.
Linda