02-10-2018, 03:23 PM
(02-10-2018, 11:16 AM)yimbus Wrote: Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin. better rhythm without "as"
Along the pitiful road
the dark parades maybe you can insert a verb, e.g." i see" (hopefully something more poetic)
and light masquerades. better rhythm without "and"
The path moves consider uniting the 1st and 2nd line e.g. "the path ticktocks with gloom"
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.
Deepened shadows chase my eyes
and interlace a grove of trees
whose life is rationed out, for free. no idea what this is about. plants? rationed, for free, how?
What a lonely trail, the one that's straight you could leave out "what"
defiled by just one mere gate, "merry" instead of "mere"? for rhythm, but also because the gate is personified in the next line and it seems to make some kind of absurd sense to me.
that beckons...come here, don't wait. maybe "do not wait" just for rhythm (since most of your poem is in iambs)
Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. "crumble" feels very much like being there for rhyme.. but probably only because i still don´t get your message
Still an aura does exist
an effervescent sort of mist
encapsulating this devilish tryst. nice words, mist being effervescent, and then encapsulating. i´d like to be (subtly) supplied with the thoughts behind those phrases.. maybe then i would understand what tryst the poem is talking about. if you keep the stanza as it is you might write "encapsulates" instead of "encapsulating"
...