06-24-2018, 02:06 AM
Hi WG.
enjoyed the read, the atmosphere/tone is very well done
(and more importantly, not overdone).
From The Apocalypse
(would have liked 'letter from'/'thoughts from' or similar)
I don't think you're getting enough from your line breaks.
I am nineteen and the moon has fallen
somewhere into the ocean
(perhaps say which ocean?)
with all the bleached coral and perverted sharks.
Algae licks the hollow craters
why 'licks'?
and every week somebody updates us
think you need to be more specific than 'somebody'
on what scientists think is going to happen.
We might die, we might not.
We might live, we might not.
I understand the sentiment,
but this is both obvious and banal.
I still sleep in my underwear, the cotton and my crossed legs.
Like the parts, but the sum doesn't add up.
I still drink milk from the carton and cry about tourists.
'milk' I get, but 'tourists' is very specific and without
explanation.
Even though the sky is greening more and more.
'greening'?
Even though her teeth keep falling out and I never
'her' doesn't have much impact' Who is she to N?
know what to do when I find another decayed white
marble on the floor or in my hands.
Suggestion:
I still sleep in my underwear, legs crossed,
still drink milk from the carton and cry
about tourists. Even though the sky is greening
Even though her teeth keep falling out
and I never know what to do when I find another
decayed white marble on the floor or in my hands.
(you might consider shifting the 'Algae...happen' section here)
I miss pop stars and reality shows, all
we ever watch is our hair wilting in the shower.
'wilting'?
We sit on the porch for a few minutes every morning, [not speaking]
and do not speak at all.
I am nineteen and [the sun is rising]
we might die, we might not.
we might live, we might not.
Best, Knot.
enjoyed the read, the atmosphere/tone is very well done
(and more importantly, not overdone).
From The Apocalypse
(would have liked 'letter from'/'thoughts from' or similar)
I don't think you're getting enough from your line breaks.
I am nineteen and the moon has fallen
somewhere into the ocean
(perhaps say which ocean?)
with all the bleached coral and perverted sharks.
Algae licks the hollow craters
why 'licks'?
and every week somebody updates us
think you need to be more specific than 'somebody'
on what scientists think is going to happen.
We might die, we might not.
We might live, we might not.
I understand the sentiment,
but this is both obvious and banal.
I still sleep in my underwear, the cotton and my crossed legs.
Like the parts, but the sum doesn't add up.
I still drink milk from the carton and cry about tourists.
'milk' I get, but 'tourists' is very specific and without
explanation.
Even though the sky is greening more and more.
'greening'?
Even though her teeth keep falling out and I never
'her' doesn't have much impact' Who is she to N?
know what to do when I find another decayed white
marble on the floor or in my hands.
Suggestion:
I still sleep in my underwear, legs crossed,
still drink milk from the carton and cry
about tourists. Even though the sky is greening
Even though her teeth keep falling out
and I never know what to do when I find another
decayed white marble on the floor or in my hands.
(you might consider shifting the 'Algae...happen' section here)
I miss pop stars and reality shows, all
we ever watch is our hair wilting in the shower.
'wilting'?
We sit on the porch for a few minutes every morning, [not speaking]
and do not speak at all.
I am nineteen and [the sun is rising]
we might die, we might not.
we might live, we might not.
Best, Knot.