02-09-2022, 08:09 AM
Enjoying this, Tim. For now just a thought about tense in L2.
(02-09-2022, 05:18 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Those voices These rather than "those"?
I couldn’t stop reading can't rather than "couldn't"?
- sounds more immediate and the rest is in present tense anyway/ otherwise "get" in L3 becomes "got" and so on
-it's a very small tweak, but momentum matters in a momentum driven poem like this one. Liking it a little more with each read.
get me so dizzy
I stumble out and around
to the Melancholy A Go-Go,
order up a rum and coke.
Ash faced angels
dance in golden cages
but my heart is still chilled
by that existential dreadlocked
argument that stalks
along the riverbank outside
where the Big Empty flows.
On the TV above the bar
the news is bad
and Jesus isn't giving any interviews.
A wannabe saint asks for my change
and I hand it over,
ask him to pray for me
just as the door opens
and in comes the ghost of Ringo Starr,
but he isn't dead yet
so now I know I'm in trouble.
I want to believe,
that's the root of it all,
but my miracles keep failing.
Better off anguished I guess,
or perching on a pillar
eyes turned always upward
because a blue sky waits
better than forever
and the last thing I need
is an answer.