02-10-2022, 10:50 AM
Well Tim,
If ya post one like like in "FUN", I'm afraid to think of what you'd post if there a froum called "DEPRESSED".
Those voices
I couldn’t stop reading this line immediately threw me off
get me so dizzy
I stumble out and around
to the Melancholy A Go-Go, good image
order up a rum and coke.
Ash faced angels
dance in golden cages another good image, I can see the scene
but my heart is still chilled
by that existential dreadlocked
argument that stalks
along the riverbank outside
where the Big Empty flows. strangely interesting
On the TV above the bar
the news is bad
and Jesus isn't giving any interviews. everything is great for me up to this point, especially this line
A wannabe saint asks for my change
and I hand it over,
ask him to pray for me
just as the door opens
and in comes the ghost of Ringo Starr, I'm really unsure of these line
but he isn't dead yet
so now I know I'm in trouble.
I want to believe,
that's the root of it all,
but my miracles keep failing. good line
Better off anguished I guess, starting here you need to build a better bridge to what follows
or perching on a pillar imagining yourself as a statue?
eyes turned always upward like praying?
because a blue sky waits "where" instead of "because" ?
better than forever
and the last thing I need strong ending, yet the section ahead of it needs work
is an answer.
Seems like in the last section, you're looking up, as if in prayer, but are afraid of the answer. If that's what you're going for, then the section ahead of those last lines need a stronger lead-in to that conclusion.
While I can always appreciate Ringo making an appearance, that surreal entry detracts from the otherwise gritty, realistic scene (for me).
All of that said, I like when you write in this style.
If ya post one like like in "FUN", I'm afraid to think of what you'd post if there a froum called "DEPRESSED".
Those voices
I couldn’t stop reading this line immediately threw me off
get me so dizzy
I stumble out and around
to the Melancholy A Go-Go, good image
order up a rum and coke.
Ash faced angels
dance in golden cages another good image, I can see the scene
but my heart is still chilled
by that existential dreadlocked
argument that stalks
along the riverbank outside
where the Big Empty flows. strangely interesting
On the TV above the bar
the news is bad
and Jesus isn't giving any interviews. everything is great for me up to this point, especially this line
A wannabe saint asks for my change
and I hand it over,
ask him to pray for me
just as the door opens
and in comes the ghost of Ringo Starr, I'm really unsure of these line
but he isn't dead yet
so now I know I'm in trouble.
I want to believe,
that's the root of it all,
but my miracles keep failing. good line
Better off anguished I guess, starting here you need to build a better bridge to what follows
or perching on a pillar imagining yourself as a statue?
eyes turned always upward like praying?
because a blue sky waits "where" instead of "because" ?
better than forever
and the last thing I need strong ending, yet the section ahead of it needs work
is an answer.
Seems like in the last section, you're looking up, as if in prayer, but are afraid of the answer. If that's what you're going for, then the section ahead of those last lines need a stronger lead-in to that conclusion.
While I can always appreciate Ringo making an appearance, that surreal entry detracts from the otherwise gritty, realistic scene (for me).
All of that said, I like when you write in this style.