09-07-2024, 05:09 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-07-2024, 05:11 PM by RiverNotch.)
i love this. i read this as pure unadulterated shade, and i'm here for it. there's also a stanza here that makes me think this is directed to a specific person identifiable not just to the speaker, but that might just be me being terminally online -- though not as terminally online as the imagined victim.
stanza one, suggested changes:
A low growl curls in the mirror
of a discount gym.
i was just missing that article, plus the substitution of the definite with an indefinite in the second line enhances the somewhat dehumanizing intent of this first barrage.
after this, it just gets more and more delicious. the personification of the drawstrings, in that they "languish" rather than anything else -- the in-my-mind upper-middle-class California-aspiring backhanded-insult "There is no banana in your smoothie" -- the subjunctive negative turning a pathetic cry into a bathetic sob -- "Trembling in plank" being a quintessentially modern, if still somewhat distinctive, turn of phrase, letting the next couple of lines be more generic -- the undramatic, entirely predictable, yet still zesty punchline that is the next stanza -- the stanza after that, with the p/b and k sounds of "speckled black rubber" rubbing in how embarrassing the situation is and "thin red mat" overstatedly echoing the more classic "thin red line" -- the crotchet/quarter rest that is "You must shower" -- and the equal parts sexualization and specificity ("black mold") of the penultimate stanza: it's all very effective, and very funny. the last stanza echoing the first is fine by me, though i could also suggest the first few lines be altered as such:
A low growl curls
in the mirror
of a distant gym.
or
A low growl curls
in the mirror of a distant gym.
but i don't think it matters. lovely work.
stanza one, suggested changes:
A low growl curls in the mirror
of a discount gym.
i was just missing that article, plus the substitution of the definite with an indefinite in the second line enhances the somewhat dehumanizing intent of this first barrage.
after this, it just gets more and more delicious. the personification of the drawstrings, in that they "languish" rather than anything else -- the in-my-mind upper-middle-class California-aspiring backhanded-insult "There is no banana in your smoothie" -- the subjunctive negative turning a pathetic cry into a bathetic sob -- "Trembling in plank" being a quintessentially modern, if still somewhat distinctive, turn of phrase, letting the next couple of lines be more generic -- the undramatic, entirely predictable, yet still zesty punchline that is the next stanza -- the stanza after that, with the p/b and k sounds of "speckled black rubber" rubbing in how embarrassing the situation is and "thin red mat" overstatedly echoing the more classic "thin red line" -- the crotchet/quarter rest that is "You must shower" -- and the equal parts sexualization and specificity ("black mold") of the penultimate stanza: it's all very effective, and very funny. the last stanza echoing the first is fine by me, though i could also suggest the first few lines be altered as such:
A low growl curls
in the mirror
of a distant gym.
or
A low growl curls
in the mirror of a distant gym.
but i don't think it matters. lovely work.