Attack (revised)

[busker]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track ...I don't think the simile works. An 'angry' train with its loud siren is the opposite of a silent chill
Jarring and unwanted  ... these are weak adjectives. The simile might have its weakness, but it's a relatively tangible one, while 'jarring' et al are cliched and generic
Cutting through the whole of my soul  ... very cliched
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden ... alliteration is used for sonics, or for over-the-top comic effect. In this instance, it is confusing.
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight  ... the alliteration is out of place again, but the image is a nice one. There is also consistency in the juxtaposition of the train with the narrator's difficulties
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch  ...I like it that you have saved the 'reveal' of what it was that caused the chill etc to the end. There is a consistent metaphor throughout.
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again  ...again, alliteration
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging  ...I would avoid the 'chugging' cliche as steam trains have been out of common use for over 50 years now. Overall, the train image lacks authenticity.
Along my battered bones  ...I like the bones / track consistency of the image.



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

Hi Spruce - some things to ponder about. A good poem.