11-17-2024, 06:37 AM
Thank you for your thoughtful critique.
I think I need the "sit in her seat" line. Otherwise the reader wouldn't know the woman was on the train, she might otherwise just have seen the Buffalo from a cabin window, or astride a horse. Although I need the reader to know the woman was on the train, as I reread the poem with your concern I see the wording is a bit clunky. I think I'll need to change that.
The black the brown beasts was my way of saying they were black and brown. I thought it had a better flow "brown and black". If I make the reader scratch his head a bit I consider that a good thing.
Sharps rifles, or Buffalo rifles, could be fired from 500 yards away, hence the silent nature of the lead.
Yes, "rippling THE Golden grass"
I had already decided on a rewording of the last two lines, exactly because of the repetition of "kept". Tentatively it will be "She kept her coat though/it warmed her when the fires waned."
My feeling is sometimes less is more when it comes to the woman. I don't think I want to expand on her, although I think you're right about the title.
I think I need the "sit in her seat" line. Otherwise the reader wouldn't know the woman was on the train, she might otherwise just have seen the Buffalo from a cabin window, or astride a horse. Although I need the reader to know the woman was on the train, as I reread the poem with your concern I see the wording is a bit clunky. I think I'll need to change that.
The black the brown beasts was my way of saying they were black and brown. I thought it had a better flow "brown and black". If I make the reader scratch his head a bit I consider that a good thing.
Sharps rifles, or Buffalo rifles, could be fired from 500 yards away, hence the silent nature of the lead.
Yes, "rippling THE Golden grass"
I had already decided on a rewording of the last two lines, exactly because of the repetition of "kept". Tentatively it will be "She kept her coat though/it warmed her when the fires waned."
My feeling is sometimes less is more when it comes to the woman. I don't think I want to expand on her, although I think you're right about the title.