12-26-2024, 09:39 PM
Hi Magpie,
Lovely ideas here. I resonated strongly with me, so to speak :-). I thought it was a bit too explainy early on (just a little bit), and the structure could be manipulated to make it more interesting overall (see re-working below). There might also be a more interesting title to be found, maybe something like "Fine Tuning", "Harmonics" or, if you're into puns, "Don't Fret".
On Tuning A Guitar
When two notes
slowly
approach each other [Combine into one line: "When two notes approach each other". The line breaks feel self-conscious here]
they quiver
in anticipation [Again, combine: "they quiver in anticipation"]
of a union. [This feels fine by itself]
[Remove stanza break?]
The tremolo slows and fades [One line: "The tremolo fades as they lock together"]
as they become locked together,
then trembles
again as they part. [One line "and frets to exhaustion as they part"? I actually didn't mean the pun here; I just thought something indicating nerves would suit, and "trembles" doesn't fit so soon after "tremolo", I think, as both words come from the same idea/root, so it felt like you didn't search hard enough for alternatives to avoid a sense of repetition]
An oddity in acoustics,
'Interference beats'
helps the ear to tune. [Delete the first 3 lines here and start with "The world is your octave, / missed by a generation of app-happy people/kids/teenagers"]
Missed by a generation
of app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes. [Delete line]
The world is your octave.
Delete the tuning app [Remove "tuning" and place this line after "of app-happy people", continuing the stanza]
and one day you'll hear the fridge; [remove semicolon]
slightly out of tune with the kitchen light. [maybe "approach the tune of the kitchen light"?
And when you fluke
a fart that's in the same key
as the commercial jingle [One line: "a fart in the key of a commercial jingle"]
you'll laugh because you know.
... and who wouldn't want that? [The ending seems unsatisfying to me. How about:
prepare to laugh as you realise
they'll someday make an app for that
?]
I really enjoyed your poem.
Trevor
Lovely ideas here. I resonated strongly with me, so to speak :-). I thought it was a bit too explainy early on (just a little bit), and the structure could be manipulated to make it more interesting overall (see re-working below). There might also be a more interesting title to be found, maybe something like "Fine Tuning", "Harmonics" or, if you're into puns, "Don't Fret".
On Tuning A Guitar
When two notes
slowly
approach each other [Combine into one line: "When two notes approach each other". The line breaks feel self-conscious here]
they quiver
in anticipation [Again, combine: "they quiver in anticipation"]
of a union. [This feels fine by itself]
[Remove stanza break?]
The tremolo slows and fades [One line: "The tremolo fades as they lock together"]
as they become locked together,
then trembles
again as they part. [One line "and frets to exhaustion as they part"? I actually didn't mean the pun here; I just thought something indicating nerves would suit, and "trembles" doesn't fit so soon after "tremolo", I think, as both words come from the same idea/root, so it felt like you didn't search hard enough for alternatives to avoid a sense of repetition]
An oddity in acoustics,
'Interference beats'
helps the ear to tune. [Delete the first 3 lines here and start with "The world is your octave, / missed by a generation of app-happy people/kids/teenagers"]
Missed by a generation
of app happy people
who prefer to use their eyes. [Delete line]
The world is your octave.
Delete the tuning app [Remove "tuning" and place this line after "of app-happy people", continuing the stanza]
and one day you'll hear the fridge; [remove semicolon]
slightly out of tune with the kitchen light. [maybe "approach the tune of the kitchen light"?
And when you fluke
a fart that's in the same key
as the commercial jingle [One line: "a fart in the key of a commercial jingle"]
you'll laugh because you know.
... and who wouldn't want that? [The ending seems unsatisfying to me. How about:
prepare to laugh as you realise
they'll someday make an app for that
?]
I really enjoyed your poem.
Trevor