01-12-2025, 07:02 AM
A stuttered, saltless ocean
stuttering sounds better, unless you want to hang back and consider the meaning of stuttered
Beating drums on a rooftop's head
the repeated -ing would even work
Clouds percuss their with their long-held secret, sacred thoughts
something is off with the line
Dreaming aloud,
They wash the world anew
As water colors the canvas of earth
The dusty soil, the thirsty trees,
Cinder blocks and sand
Like ink on a parched page
Tones darken and flow together
Tiny rivulets slyly slink over and through
Seeking always the hidden hallways
Across my fortress walls of glass
To sink beneath my skin
And make my colors run
This, I once thought I knew
those two stanzas work when I don't pay attention to the meanings of the words
the second of which could use a meaning-rhyme in the last line. By meaning-rhyme, I don't mean an actual rhyme, but some play of glass, like "saw" instead of knew, a subtle play of glass and 'seeing through'. Why? Simply an idea to deepen and layer.
Until one day,
While trapped within my castle's corridors
With my thoughts too numerous, jostled and elbowing
For my small and fragile skull
I heard the call of waters falling
I rolled down my drawbridge
I slunk in careful, cold-resistant, water-proofed armor
Until
The gentle
Interrupted
Stacatto song of the river-sky
Beckoned more deeply than I could stand
I threw off my hood,
Tossed back my head,
and let the raindrops land.
the rest of the poem feels rushed/forced
stuttering sounds better, unless you want to hang back and consider the meaning of stuttered
Beating drums on a rooftop's head
the repeated -ing would even work
Clouds percuss their with their long-held secret, sacred thoughts
something is off with the line
Dreaming aloud,
They wash the world anew
As water colors the canvas of earth
The dusty soil, the thirsty trees,
Cinder blocks and sand
Like ink on a parched page
Tones darken and flow together
Tiny rivulets slyly slink over and through
Seeking always the hidden hallways
Across my fortress walls of glass
To sink beneath my skin
And make my colors run
This, I once thought I knew
those two stanzas work when I don't pay attention to the meanings of the words
the second of which could use a meaning-rhyme in the last line. By meaning-rhyme, I don't mean an actual rhyme, but some play of glass, like "saw" instead of knew, a subtle play of glass and 'seeing through'. Why? Simply an idea to deepen and layer.
Until one day,
While trapped within my castle's corridors
With my thoughts too numerous, jostled and elbowing
For my small and fragile skull
I heard the call of waters falling
I rolled down my drawbridge
I slunk in careful, cold-resistant, water-proofed armor
Until
The gentle
Interrupted
Stacatto song of the river-sky
Beckoned more deeply than I could stand
I threw off my hood,
Tossed back my head,
and let the raindrops land.
the rest of the poem feels rushed/forced