Attack (revised)

[Pebbel~Lady]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered


Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones

---

The first lines are so beautiful; they really grab your attention with the imagery and the way it just rolls off the tongue so smoothly. perfect opener. I cant really say much about this poem in terms of critique, mainly just because I love it???? The edits you made to the original are really well-placed and helps accentuate the insurmountable weight of anger the person is feeling. well done!!