01-28-2025, 05:05 AM
Hi SprooseMoose,
I wonder if presenting things in a more fragmented manner would give this a more interesting tone. There's also a few bits I'd suggest deleting (see the parts I put in bold) to avoid diluting the freshness of the language and give a tighter feel overall. Have a look at some of the changes are made, and see if anything works for you.
I hope it's helpful in some way.
All the best,
Trevor
A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems[,]
There is [N]o sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable [u]nstoppable weight
I am [d]ismembered[,]
Tensely remembering
Your touch[.]
[Stanza break]
Refusal was no refuge[,]
Shrill screams through silence again[;]
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones[.]
I wonder if presenting things in a more fragmented manner would give this a more interesting tone. There's also a few bits I'd suggest deleting (see the parts I put in bold) to avoid diluting the freshness of the language and give a tighter feel overall. Have a look at some of the changes are made, and see if anything works for you.
I hope it's helpful in some way.
All the best,
Trevor
A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems[,]
There is [N]o sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable [u]nstoppable weight
I am [d]ismembered[,]
Tensely remembering
Your touch[.]
[Stanza break]
Refusal was no refuge[,]
Shrill screams through silence again[;]
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones[.]