02-09-2025, 03:51 AM
[quote="SpruceMoose" pid='270877' dateline='1725583130']
Revised:
A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones
Hi Moose,
There is a lot to like here, especially in this revised version and now that I have read this numerous times. I have a few suggestions. Please remember this poem is your voice. Your message. Don't let me or anyone else take that from you. You are the first audience.
On the opening. The rhyme feels forced and out of place with the rest of the poem. Of course, openings are often the hardest part. And as some others have opined, "clacking" is sort of awkward.
Consider this:
A chill runs up my spine
An angry train pounding down the track
Line 4 seems somewhat wordy.
Instead of:
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Consider:
Slicing my soul (or Slicing through my soul)
Line 9, "There is" interrupts the flow IMO.
Maybe consider this (or something similar):
Mapping out history's problems
Without sense in solving (or With no sense in solving)
Line 16, "Tensely remembering". "Tensely" seems inadequate to me to reflect what is apparently being felt.
I'm not sure what the best word is. Maybe consider:
Rawly or Achingly or brokenly (I'm really not sure)
OR consider a change in the line order:
I am
Dismembered
Your touch
Achingly remembered (or relived)
Line 18, "Refusal was no refuge".
Consider simply:
Refusal no refuge
Line 19, "Shrill screams through silence again". "Shrill screams" seems somewhat redundant or over the top to me.
perhaps consider, maybe 2 lines, maybe only 1:
The silence shattered
By incoherent screams
In closing,
I really love the line breaks and the brevity of most of the lines.
Additionally, I like alliteration, which has been used by many poets and writers.
I hope I haven't said too much. Use some of my suggestions or ignore them as you will. Thanks for sharing this. Keep up the good work.
Blessings,
CW
Revised:
A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train clacking down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones
Hi Moose,
There is a lot to like here, especially in this revised version and now that I have read this numerous times. I have a few suggestions. Please remember this poem is your voice. Your message. Don't let me or anyone else take that from you. You are the first audience.
On the opening. The rhyme feels forced and out of place with the rest of the poem. Of course, openings are often the hardest part. And as some others have opined, "clacking" is sort of awkward.
Consider this:
A chill runs up my spine
An angry train pounding down the track
Line 4 seems somewhat wordy.
Instead of:
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Consider:
Slicing my soul (or Slicing through my soul)
Line 9, "There is" interrupts the flow IMO.
Maybe consider this (or something similar):
Mapping out history's problems
Without sense in solving (or With no sense in solving)
Line 16, "Tensely remembering". "Tensely" seems inadequate to me to reflect what is apparently being felt.
I'm not sure what the best word is. Maybe consider:
Rawly or Achingly or brokenly (I'm really not sure)
OR consider a change in the line order:
I am
Dismembered
Your touch
Achingly remembered (or relived)
Line 18, "Refusal was no refuge".
Consider simply:
Refusal no refuge
Line 19, "Shrill screams through silence again". "Shrill screams" seems somewhat redundant or over the top to me.
perhaps consider, maybe 2 lines, maybe only 1:
The silence shattered
By incoherent screams
In closing,
I really love the line breaks and the brevity of most of the lines.
Additionally, I like alliteration, which has been used by many poets and writers.
I hope I haven't said too much. Use some of my suggestions or ignore them as you will. Thanks for sharing this. Keep up the good work.
Blessings,
CW