(01-11-2025, 03:46 AM)Quicksilver Wrote: Upgraded from basic to moderate. Thank you to CRNDLSM for moving the old comments, but the new draft was accidentally deleted, so I'm reposting. I'm not sure about my title, I may want to rework it. From the previous edit, I have also tried to cut the poem down for a clearer focus, while keeping the core. Thanks in advance for the feedback! I hope it's useful
A stuttering ocean, i think I sense what stuttering is, but stuttering is kinda like unsure, unconfident, and oceans to me are unrelenting and bold
Saltless and sunless
It is beating on the steepled head beating and stuttering
Of a shingled roof-drum is it not the ocean then hitting a roof? Powerful waves sure will cover them
Clouds darkly grumbling secret thoughts nice image, dark clouds grumble darkly
They are speaking
I am not listening, but somewhat watching
They are washing the world anew is they a new character?
Water is coloring the canvas of earth
The dusty soil, the thirsty trees,
Cinder blocks and sand
Like ink on a parched page
Tones darkening, they flow together maybe not an ocean but severely heavy rains
Are the raindrops cold? Tears
The drumbeats crescendo the rooftops?
A lightning flash answering
Presciently nice word
The crack of a thunderous question are the raindrops cold?
Time is passing by. Always
Monitors glow softly, icy blue-white
Warmly inviting inviting monitors? Gamer? Cubicles? Lizards?
A magic mirror of distraction
There is no need to dream
To wonder how the wind feels
To hear the quietness of an empty house these three lines from there is not need to empty house could stand alone
Really hear it. I think i get it
The storm abates unheard
The minutes stand unnoticed
Distractedly pushed aside
As if to be reclaimed
Noise chosen to drown the other noise
No presence
Little peace the storm leads to the quiet
Until
the gently
interrupting
Staccato song of the river-sky ah, ocean sky
Persistently calling me,
I am listening
Now I like this turn
Sound not selected noise chosen to drown other noise
Simply found
I am stepping out the door
Smelling wetness and frosted breath blow by
I see the scenery inked over
A page, now full
An invested moment
The gentle patter of the clouds above
Secrets I find I understand no longer grumbling but gently pattering those secrets
I drop my hood,
Toss back my head,
and let the raindrops land. Hmm I didn't realize you were outside but it makes sense now. I wasn't expecting these last three lines
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches