09-25-2025, 02:54 AM
Ego Me. A brief lesson in etymology: "ego" is also Latin for "I", as "me" is "me" in that language, so in a sense what you're saying here is "Ego Ego" or "Me Me", though I think this sense of redundancy is felt even without such philological trivia.
Crickets crick as frogs call out,
seeking everything about - This line should end with a period.
Were the same, us and them, - "We're" rather than "Were"; this line is also missing a syllable in the middle.
Repeating the same here and then - This line is closer to Iambic Tetrameter than the Trochaic Tetrameter you've otherwise established.
Don't they know it doesn't matter,
Crying out such desperate chatter?
Yet still they try, can't seem to win - Lose "yet". More importantly, this couplet is missing a line.
What is Delusion if not faith,
in that we think that is our fate? - This couplet is entirely in Iambic Tetrameter.
But I'm not dumb, I'm not stupid, - Missing quotation marks.
Then show me that your logics lucid - "logic's", not "logics". This line again slips into IT, and it's again missing a period.
We talk and fight then turn to violence, - Again, IT.
When really we need to sit in silence - This line is closer to Iambic Pentameter, which is even further from your established rhythm. Plus, again, this line should end with a period.
Crickets crick and frogs call out
with nothing else to talk about. - IT again.
Listen close and then you'll see,
It's all because the ego Me. - IT again.
The mode here is quite old-fashioned---not only is there the suggestion of meter, but it's all in rhyming couplets---yet for such a mode to work, it demands polish. As for a more substantial critique....it'd probably be too much for "Basic", so I'll just say that what I said about the title sort of applies to the rest of the work.
Crickets crick as frogs call out,
seeking everything about - This line should end with a period.
Were the same, us and them, - "We're" rather than "Were"; this line is also missing a syllable in the middle.
Repeating the same here and then - This line is closer to Iambic Tetrameter than the Trochaic Tetrameter you've otherwise established.
Don't they know it doesn't matter,
Crying out such desperate chatter?
Yet still they try, can't seem to win - Lose "yet". More importantly, this couplet is missing a line.
What is Delusion if not faith,
in that we think that is our fate? - This couplet is entirely in Iambic Tetrameter.
But I'm not dumb, I'm not stupid, - Missing quotation marks.
Then show me that your logics lucid - "logic's", not "logics". This line again slips into IT, and it's again missing a period.
We talk and fight then turn to violence, - Again, IT.
When really we need to sit in silence - This line is closer to Iambic Pentameter, which is even further from your established rhythm. Plus, again, this line should end with a period.
Crickets crick and frogs call out
with nothing else to talk about. - IT again.
Listen close and then you'll see,
It's all because the ego Me. - IT again.
The mode here is quite old-fashioned---not only is there the suggestion of meter, but it's all in rhyming couplets---yet for such a mode to work, it demands polish. As for a more substantial critique....it'd probably be too much for "Basic", so I'll just say that what I said about the title sort of applies to the rest of the work.