Peek

[Harryd]

I get what you're trying to say and your word choice is nice, but although I recognise that this is a conversation I feel there are too many and frequent changes of person (e.g. She, I, you'd, we, within two lines). For me that disrupts the message. I also find the rhyming somewhat erratic - it might indeed be worth trying to render this without any attempt at rhyme, particularly as it's free form anyway and you've in general nicely maintained the integrity of meaning in each line (that's rare, appreciated, and should be retained IMO).

Hope this helps.

Appreciate the critique

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I get what you're trying to say and your word choice is nice, but although I recognise that this is a conversation I feel there are too many and frequent changes of person (e.g. She, I, you'd, we, within two lines). For me that disrupts the message. I also find the rhyming somewhat erratic - it might indeed be worth trying to render this without any attempt at rhyme, particularly as it's free form anyway and you've in general nicely maintained the integrity of meaning in each line (that's rare, appreciated, and should be retained IMO).

Hope this helps.

Appreciate the critique. Im not trying ro rhyme or in any specific order. Just my thoughts going through a hard breaknup. Also this is the miscellaneous section and this is one of mine that has been published. Just sharing