Peek

[Harryd]

She says, I thought by now you'd learn to see
There's a difference between love and what we call reality.
You see the things we want, we can never have
So don't wander off chasing a dream, you may never make it back.
I said, I thought by now you would have found
That sometimes tears are the most beautiful of sounds
That hearts that break reaching for the stars
Are more alive than those that never reached that far at all.
She said, Come on guy do you expect me to believe
You wouldn't be happier now never having met me?
It's not that I ever tried to hurt you
But that's what happens when we face the truth.

I looked at her, my dear sweet friend
With a confident smile for I never had to pretend.
Each time I whispered softly, 'I love you'
I made a promise no hurt could ever undo
And with the same sparkle dancing in my eyes
I paused for a moment and then sweetly replied
I would die a thousand times
For a touch of your sweetness in my life
And regretting well, that's something I can't do
For you never get too many peeks at heaven, and I had one with you.

HD

[Luckieman]

I get what you're trying to say and your word choice is nice, but although I recognise that this is a conversation I feel there are too many and frequent changes of person (e.g. She, I, you'd, we, within two lines). For me that disrupts the message. I also find the rhyming somewhat erratic - it might indeed be worth trying to render this without any attempt at rhyme, particularly as it's free form anyway and you've in general nicely maintained the integrity of meaning in each line (that's rare, appreciated, and should be retained IMO).

Hope this helps.

[Harryd]

I get what you're trying to say and your word choice is nice, but although I recognise that this is a conversation I feel there are too many and frequent changes of person (e.g. She, I, you'd, we, within two lines). For me that disrupts the message. I also find the rhyming somewhat erratic - it might indeed be worth trying to render this without any attempt at rhyme, particularly as it's free form anyway and you've in general nicely maintained the integrity of meaning in each line (that's rare, appreciated, and should be retained IMO).

Hope this helps.

Appreciate the critique

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I get what you're trying to say and your word choice is nice, but although I recognise that this is a conversation I feel there are too many and frequent changes of person (e.g. She, I, you'd, we, within two lines). For me that disrupts the message. I also find the rhyming somewhat erratic - it might indeed be worth trying to render this without any attempt at rhyme, particularly as it's free form anyway and you've in general nicely maintained the integrity of meaning in each line (that's rare, appreciated, and should be retained IMO).

Hope this helps.

Appreciate the critique. Im not trying ro rhyme or in any specific order. Just my thoughts going through a hard breaknup. Also this is the miscellaneous section and this is one of mine that has been published. Just sharing