04-14-2012, 02:43 PM
This is a great effort, imo. The last stanza really elevates this for me -- just those simple specific details delivered a great emotional wallop, and it stings how the narrator remembers small, specific kindnesses against the blurry years of unhappiness. Love is messy indeed, especially within family.
As the others have already mentioned, this could be tightened up some more... each line should count, should cut and linger in its brevity. So in certain instances (like in stanza 3 line 5 for example), having "padding" words makes your emotional punches lose some momentum. Just imo
Great job overall
As the others have already mentioned, this could be tightened up some more... each line should count, should cut and linger in its brevity. So in certain instances (like in stanza 3 line 5 for example), having "padding" words makes your emotional punches lose some momentum. Just imo
Great job overall
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?