Flags

[bogpan]

Leave these ships with the big
white sails that hardly are wobbling.
Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.
Leave the eyes, let them travel beyond
the horizons –
falling leaves.
And find that angle of the time – of
love
“Here and there does not
matter”*
and that grief which hollows out the air
becomes the jump,
becomes wing beat,
the water deep in the tank,
the entire while of moving unmovable.
Flags!

*T.S. Eliot

[rowens]

I think it would be a better credit to Eliot if you left the lines you stole from him without quotation marks. I'm sure he did when he stole them.

[bogpan]

I think it would be a better credit to Eliot if you left the lines you stole from him without quotation marks. I'm sure he did when he stole them.

Sorry but I do not understand your thought. Normal poetic technique required when using a foreign text it to indicate quoted as a reference - in this case, the poem East Coker.

---

Leave these ships with the big
white sails that hardly are wobbling.
Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming Consider changing this to alarmed, and getting rid of one of the two enjambments surrounding it.
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.
Leave the eyes, let them travel beyond
the horizons –
falling leaves. I get the feeling you are comparing the horizons to falling leaves, but I'm not sure what that means.
And find that angle of the time – of not sure about 'the'
love
“Here and there does not
matter”* I would follow rowen's suggestion.
and that grief which hollows out the air
becomes the jump, I love these last two lines. Absolutely brilliant
becomes wing beat, maybe wings beating?
the water deep in the tank,
the entire while of moving unmovable.
Flags!

*T.S. Eliot

I really enjoyed you poem. After a couple of readings I got the picture of someone standing on a cliff overlooking the sea as they are remembering a loved one far, far away. You have some really beautiful imagery in there. The title/end line confuse me.

Thank you for reading. The image of man is very accurate and perhaps this image will give the explanation of the term. I will go over your notes on the use of "two enjambment"

[bogpan]

Leave these ships with the big
white sails that hardly are wobbling.
Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming ( not a fan of the alarming)
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.
Leave the eyes, let them travel beyond
the horizons –
falling leaves.
And find that angle of the time – of
love
“Here and there does not
matter”*
and that grief which hollows out the air
becomes the jump,
becomes wing beat,
the water deep in the tank,
the entire while of moving unmovable.
Flags!


it was quite vague in it's actual relation to the topic of flags. I didn't see this as a poem based on flags but more based on the sea. either way the writing had some highlights like the moving the unmovable line. I like to use techniques like that myself sometimes. thanks for the read.

And I thank you for reading. In an almost hermetic poem is difficult to see the hidden references. Yet the sea all ships have their flags. Just needed stronger glasses.

[FayandFire]

Leave these ships with the big
white sails that hardly are wobbling.
Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.
Leave the eyes, let them travel beyond
the horizons –
falling leaves.
And find that angle of the time – of
love
“Here and there does not
matter”*
and that grief which hollows out the air
becomes the jump,
becomes wing beat,
the water deep in the tank,
the entire while of moving unmovable. ( moving the unmovable?) (( entire while of moving unmovables

*T.S. Eliot

I really enjoyed your poem. There was some beautiful imagery indeed. There were a few things that were awkward for me personally like having hardly before are in the second line and in the last line unmovable alone seems incomplete to me. But that's just me. Anyways thanks this was a good read!

[YaMarVa]

Leave these ships with the big
white sails that hardly are wobbling.
Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.
Leave the eyes, let them travel beyond
the horizons –
falling leaves.
And find that angle of the time – of
love
“Here and there does not
matter”*
and that grief which hollows out the air
becomes the jump,
becomes wing beat,
the water deep in the tank,
the entire while of moving unmovable.
Flags!

*T.S. Eliot

I enjoyed this poem, it reminded me of meditation. But I am unsure why you broke the lines where you did and by the use of all these - . I guess you only used three of them, but my first reading it was a bit distracting, after a few reads that distraction went away.

Distracting example;

And find that angle of the time – of
love


But it works great here;

Leave this cry of the gulls full of
alarming
longing – let the lungs swallow the wind
coming.


Thanks for sharing.

[bogpan]

Many thanks for all the comments and suggestions. They are very valuable because the poem is a translation from Bulgarian. I see some problems that are a consequence of the different poetic tradition, culture and way of thinking. That to me is very interesting. You can hear the original if anyone is interested (unfortunately the quality is not very good).http://lab3.vbox7.com/play:b2927115
Thanks for sharing.