Tanka Attempt Two

[Volaticus]

Hi,
I don't really know what a tanka is, so I read this as a regular poem. I like the quirkiness; the funny tone of it.
The end of the first line might need a period or a comma.
Thanks for the read.

[billy]

i think the idea of the tanka is for it to be shared between two or more poets,

one poets writes the 1st part. (575 syls, 3 lines) the next poet writes the 2nd part (77 syls over 2 lines) and so the poem continues. as far as i know rhymes are frowned upon in the form

oh i forgot, each line should be self sufficient.

while the poem reads well enough i think it needs to be more wary of the to many carry on between lines. ( that said, it's best to do some check of your own because i'm not sure about the form myself apart from a cursory read

an example;

On the white sand
Of the beach of a small isle
In the Eastern Sea
I, my face streaked with tears,
Am playing with a crab

– Ishikawa Takuboku