Haiku (Wind)

[mao]

Through teeming verdure
set on a pale blue palette -
Sad, I feel the wind

[billy]

what is teeming greenness?
is the pale blue palette the sky?
the last line does work, but gave me a little giggle as i wonder if he felt a fart coming on

the first two i have no suggestions as to how to improve them

[rayheinrich]

Through teeming verdure
set on a pale blue palette -
Sad, I feel the wind

IMHO: Haiku should have clean, vivid images. Too many
modifiers (adjectives, adverbs, etc.) and words/phrases
beyond a modest vocabulary tend to dilute that image
(the definition of 'modest', of course, varies depending
on your audience). (The same can be said for most
other poetry as well.)

So a good way evaluate the structure of your poem is to take
out the excess modifiers and change the 'big' words/phrases
to 'small' ones. They DO NOT have to mean exactly the same
thing and you will need to guess a bit, but as this is only a
way to look at the structure it doesn't matter that much.
The result is seldom the haiku you were aiming for.

OK, take yours above and take out the excess modifiers:
Through teeming verdure
on a blue palette -
I feel the wind

Now change the 'big' words/phrases:
Through lots of leaves
that are different colors of blue -
I feel the wind

Not bad*. Now all you have to do is change/condense
BARELY enough to get the image/meaning you were aiming
for in the first place.

Good luck with this,
Ray

*Though I do wonder about the blue leaves (forest, bushes, etc.)

[billy]

now i have a suggestion. take heed of the above post

[newsclippings]

what is teeming greenness?
is the pale blue palette the sky?
the last line does work, but gave me a little giggle as i wonder if he felt a fart coming on

the first two i have no suggestions as to how to improve them

Perhaps we should then change "verdure" to "manure."

[rayheinrich]

...
is the pale blue palette the sky?

Yes, didn't get that. I bet it is the sky and the person
is looking up through trees and sees the sky.

Maybe the 'blue' also links to the 'sad' in the third line.
This kind of metaphor, by the way, is frowned upon by most
conservative haiku writers (like me).

And... while I think implying (but not specifically stating) that a
person is sad is fine (remember this is all IMHO), there does need
to be something in the nature/environment that would cause this
emotion (I've seen a dead plum tree used this way); i.e. it can't
just come out of the blue (sorry, just had to )

[ChristopherSea]

Through teeming verdure
set on a pale blue palette -
Sad, I feel the wind

You are not a painter, are you? I believe you are viewing leaves against the sky and the wind disrupts your view. Are you saying something like this?:

Verdant canopy
painted on pale blue canvas
smudges with the wind