Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)

[ellajam]

edit #4 with punctuation

Winter

Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection.

Half glassed for winter,
half screened to catch summer's breeze,
your home sang your soul:
cradled it during your stay,
released it to soar in light.


Spring

Red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride;
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep,
grandchildren wade the shoreline.

Counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways,
blueprints drawn for room to grow,
mom's favorites replanted.


edit #4

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home sang your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
mom's favorites replanted


edit #3

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted mom's favorites
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
still red geraniums bloom

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
--------------------------------

Edit #1

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

-------------
(meh, unsure, any thoughts?)

------------


Original

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites

[cidermaid]

Hi Ellejam, great to have you with us and thank you for leaving some feedback on other poems.

I really liked the gentle emotional reflections in these poems. i think you did a good job of showing the changing emotions through the season elements. I would have liked to see the punctuation used consistantly throughout (or not at all) You started with none and then threw in the odd commar

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze Not sure you need the repetition of half on this line. Think it works better without.
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter Also don't think this repetition adds anything to the read. Perhaps the space would be better used telling us what she cannot afford.
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites

Overall a nice read that i enjoyed.

All the best AJ.

[billy]

i like how the poem transitions from one of death or emptiness to one of life or living. the winter summer works well in helping the concept of them both. some good images and the story within the poem is warm instead the usual cold poems of life and death bring. the house comes alive again and it seems so does the daughter. i enjoyed the read.

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint good image for a home
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy not sure about sour and souring in the same shortish poem


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites

[ellajam]

Thanks so much for the input, I'll work on an edit. You've also both given me a nice lesson in gentle critique, thanks for that, too.

[ChristopherSea]

I really liked this pair of gems! Here's my two cents for them:

Two For Alice
Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint 'same' is not needed and detracts from the great use of 'footprint'
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring 'soaring' is probably not needed; detracts from the 'soar' below
half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze love these two lines
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore is the daughter that old? to have her own grandchildren?
counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void I would replace 'void'; too cosmic & associated the darkpoetry, perhaps simply 'emptiness'
replanting mom's favorites

[ellajam]

Thanks Chris, great points. I'm looking forward to editing, something I haven't done during this current run of poetry. I'm excited, thanks all.

I've a question: This was written with the notion of tanka 5,7,5,7,7. Any opinion as to whether it would wreck it to stray from that form or should I make sure to stay within it on edit?

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks Chris, great points. I'm looking forward to editing, something I haven't done during this current run of poetry. I'm excited, thanks all.

I've a question: This was written with the notion of tanka 5,7,5,7,7. Any opinion as to whether it would wreck it to stray from that form or should I make sure to stay within it on edit?

Sorry, I did not pick up up on the form! You could try to stick with it, as that was your intent and you should always have the final say.

[spookyfoot]

Hi! New to this but liked your work!

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint this was probably my favorite line but the "same" part felt a little off to me
porches forming wings
as if it could glide acrossthe combination of as if and could feels too tentative especially compared with the hard brace of the next line
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers this line and the one below feel weaker than the ones surroudning it, i think it's a show don't tell situation[b]
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

a really lovely effort!

[ellajam]

Hi! New to this but liked your work!

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint this was probably my favorite line but the "same" part felt a little off to me
porches forming wings
as if it could glide acrossthe combination of as if and could feels too tentative especially compared with the hard brace of the next line
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers this line and the one below feel weaker than the ones surroudning it, i think it's a show don't tell situation[b]
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

a really lovely effort!

Ha, those weaker lines are two I changed on edit. I think I might not be a good enough poet to come back later and try to improve it, by the time I'm done it may be totally wrecked, grin. But I'm going to keep at it and see what happens.

I considered changing "same" but kept it. Now you're the second comment on it not working, I'll think it through again.

Thanks so much for your notes, and I hope some of the others who commented will take a look again and see if I've improved or murdered it.

[ChristopherSea]

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
--------------------------------

Edit #1

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

-------------
(meh, unsure, any thoughts?)

------------


Original

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites

It reads well to me, good job! As for 'same footprint' perhaps you mean 'sole footprint' which has a stronger and more definitive image(?) ...or not!

[ellajam]

"sole footprint" is fun, and sharp, but no thanks. I think the reason I'm sticking with "same" is because my heart broke that the house looked the same while I knew it was changed forever without Alice. I accept that it's not coming across, but I can't think of an edit that expresses it better. Yet. Thanks so much for all your input.

[billy]

let me say sorry fro saying sour/souring when i should have soar/soaring something i see you dealt with not a lot of changes but you've improved it

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms this line feels like it's just been tacked on ella. and has already been alluded too in the previous stanza. a suggestion would be [and space moms favourite plants to bloom] of something along that line
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
--------------------------------

[ellajam]

let me say sorry fro saying sour/souring when i should have soar/soaring something i see you dealt with not a lot of changes but you've improved it

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms this line feels like it's just been tacked on ella. and has already been alluded too in the previous stanza. a suggestion would be [and space moms favourite plants to bloom] of something along that line
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
--------------------------------

meh on the typos, no biggie. Good point on the last line. I've edited out the other repetitions I thought worked, that should go too. Thanks

[billy]

the thing to do now is let it sit somewhere for a month or two and bring it back out air

[ChristopherSea]

"sole footprint" is fun, and sharp, but no thanks. I think the reason I'm sticking with "same" is because my heart broke that the house looked the same while I knew it was changed forever without Alice. I accept that it's not coming across, but I can't think of an edit that expresses it better. Yet. Thanks so much for all your input.

That's a good reason to leave it as is!

[ellajam]

the thing to do now is let it sit somewhere for a month or two and bring it back out air

Good idea, grin

[rowens]

So it's all right to do line by line in the Novice Forum again? It's easier when you can.

[Todd]

Hi, I just came to the thread and given that a lot has gone on already I'll just address the latest edit. I haven't read the comments so please excuse any unneeded repetition.

I took the season breaks to be representative of death and then life or rebirth, or in this case a type of continuance.

I realize this is the novice forum. I may give a lot of comments below, but I'll try to keep them light to honor the forum.

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits--what does sits accomplish? Is there a way you could simply use snuggled in a different tense to do the same thing
snuggled in its same footprint--I like this idea, with death there is a finality, a sense of sameness. It reminds me of people that don't change the rooms of a deceased love one and everything remains trapped in the moment of death. Snuggled seems a little too warm of a concept to be here though, maybe an alternate word.
porches forming wings--Makes me think of angels and a departed spirit leaving. Nice imagery
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection--icy is a nice touch. This also implies to me the self reflection of the daughter introduced later

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze--summer feels like an out of place mention here
your home held your soul--too plainly stated for me
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy--nice progression here


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline--These last two lines are really nice. I question whether you need the first three.

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------

I enjoyed the read. I think you could tighten some, but overall good bones in this one.

I hope some of the comments were helpful.

Best,

Todd

[ellajam]

Hi, I just came to the thread and given that a lot has gone on already I'll just address the latest edit. I haven't read the comments so please excuse any unneeded repetition.

I took the season breaks to be representative of death and then life or rebirth, or in this case a type of continuance.

I realize this is the novice forum. I may give a lot of comments below, but I'll try to keep them light to honor the forum.

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits--what does sits accomplish? Is there a way you could simply use snuggled in a different tense to do the same thing
snuggled in its same footprint--I like this idea, with death there is a finality, a sense of sameness. It reminds me of people that don't change the rooms of a deceased love one and everything remains trapped in the moment of death. Snuggled seems a little too warm of a concept to be here though, maybe an alternate word.
porches forming wings--Makes me think of angels and a departed spirit leaving. Nice imagery
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection--icy is a nice touch. This also implies to me the self reflection of the daughter introduced later

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze--summer feels like an out of place mention here
your home held your soul--too plainly stated for me
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy--nice progression here


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline--These last two lines are really nice. I question whether you need the first three.

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------

I enjoyed the read. I think you could tighten some, but overall good bones in this one.

I hope some of the comments were helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. I'm new here and don't really know yet the difference between this forum and the Mild Critique one. I certainly am a novice critic so I posted here, but certainly appreciate each and every comment.

I am going to have to do something about those geraniums at the start and end of spring, I don't think my point of honor and continuity is coming through well, but I think I'll take billy's advice and take an editing break to let it sit a bit. Maybe. This editing stuff may be addictive, grin.

[ellajam]

third edit above, thanks all