Parties

[bittersweet]

We plan parties to sneak into each other’s minds,
To feel, to see, to breathe human flesh.
They say one’s soul is dead,
That he/she is incomplete.
Intellectual pursuits keep life oh-so-interesting,
But do such pursuits take second place to the affairs of the heart?
They say her/his life was superficial, oh yes, annoying chatterboxes,
Or were they looking at themselves in a mirror?
She/he longed for the interconnectedness of life,
Taking in the joys of beautiful moments,
Breathing in the scent of red and white roses.
But, most of all, she/he longed to make someone their own,
To complete their soul.
What is a rich life compared to
Solitary confinements of lonely artists’ minds?
No, I dare not say so,
Not the clothes or the petty stuff we purchase to satisfy our desires.
But, like a tree, a rich life is rooted to all and makes all one.

[rowens]

This is a little better than your last poem. But is it going to stay exactly like it is? People always want you to talk about other poems on this site, and I guess when it comes down to reason, it's better to know what you're all about and what you have to say in other areas of poetry and ideas, so somebody'll know how to talk to you, and you'll know who you're talking to and why.

[milo]

We plan parties to sneak into each other’s minds,
To feel, to see, to breathe human flesh.
They say one’s soul is dead,
That he/she is incomplete.
Intellectual pursuits keep life oh-so-interesting,
But do such pursuits take second place to the affairs of the heart?
They say her/his life was superficial, oh yes, annoying chatterboxes,
Or were they looking at themselves in a mirror?
She/he longed for the interconnectedness of life,
Taking in the joys of beautiful moments,
Breathing in the scent of red and white roses.
But, most of all, she/he longed to make someone their own,
To complete their soul.
What is a rich life compared to
Solitary confinements of lonely artists’ minds?
No, I dare not say so,
Not the clothes or the petty stuff we purchase to satisfy our desires.
But, like a tree, a rich life is rooted to all and makes all one.

sneak, breath, flesh, chatterbox, mirror, clothes, tree, rooted

the rest is crap

Snow White is a chatterbox
she'll tattle secrets to the breeze.
Don't swoon at her pretty locks -
Snow White is a chatterbox.
The flesh is sweet, a mirror talks
she dances naked with the trees.
Snow white is a chatterbox
she'll tattle secrets to the breeze.

[bittersweet]

Alright, I want to know what I am doing wrong and what I can do to become a good poet.

---

Why is this poem bad?

[milo]

Alright, I want to know what I am doing wrong and what I can do to become a good poet.

---

Why is this poem bad?

That type of stuff happens in the critical forums, not really as much in miscellaneous.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

bittersweet, I didn't really get connected to this effort. It come off more as a question to start and become an argument stated. The piece lacked in imagery and a direct character. This doesn't mean that it cant become more effective. I put in bold some of the things I thought you might change for the better.

We plan parties to sneak into each other’s minds,
first off, "sneak" sounds childish. because of the planning of parties, "slither" comes to mind as a better word choice.
To feel, to see, to breathe human flesh.

They say one’s soul is dead,
That he/she is incomplete.
The two lines above seem out of place with the starting point. It seems like these two lines should be at the start or end. You say "They" say one's soul is dead. which raises a question of who are "they"? The "He/She" leaves a bland imprint. If it was worded
by a definite gender you could get a bit more intrigue from it.
Although, The two lines really don't work that well to begin with.

Intellectual pursuits keep life oh-so-interesting,
But do such pursuits take second place to the affairs of the heart?
Instead of asking the question outright (wordy question I might add) Try to create a scene that raises the question without it
being asked. It could be summed up in a few lines or so.

They say her/his life was superficial, oh yes, annoying chatterboxes,
Or were they looking at themselves in a mirror?
The two lines here make little sense. Instead of "they" a name would give you a little more depth for example " Erica and Ryan said Gene's life was superficial. It isn't much better for poetry- but it does a little more depth to it. The second line comes off teenage like..
"Or were they looking at themselves in the mirror?" The reader doesn't know, if they were looking at themselves in the mirror, the only logical reasoning is that they would see themselves. But, they would not say that they themselves are superficial would they? The second line would need some attention.

She/he longed for the interconnectedness of life,
Interconnectedness is too long of a word to use. It isn't really poetic and is a pain in the ass to say aloud. I would lose it and the "she/ he" thing should've been focused on before posting.
It makes it harder to connect to the piece if the poet doesn't know
what has connected them to the piece.

Taking in the joys of beautiful moments,
Breathing in the scent of red and white roses.
imagery, a good thing.
But, most of all, she/he longed to make someone their own,
To complete their soul.
The two lines above jump to far ahead and need better direction.
What is a rich life compared to
Solitary confinements of lonely artists’ minds?
No, I dare not say so,
Not the clothes or the petty stuff we purchase to satisfy our desires.
But, like a tree, a rich life is rooted to all and makes all one.

I don't know if I helped or hindered you with conceptual idea's. First off, I would say reread your poem and try to focus clearly on what your wanting to get across or say. It seems like you have a start to what your trying to say, you just need to make it go together better.
Imagery is good for emotions and scenery, If you start there, you can build a small story in a poem that will give you a clearer direction. One thing you don't want to do is jump to far ahead from one line to the next. Build it gradually and you will write better. I would use this as a rough concept of something your trying to convey and put further depth into it.

[bittersweet]

Okay, thanks for the help. I didn't realized until now that my poem is pretty bad. "/