The Undertaker's Chore

[heslopian]

They take her down like a sandbag,
cutting the rope and letting her thud
on the copse's green, unyielding scalp.
She's not been dead long, still firm in breast and cunny.
"Better than anythin' money
can buy" chirps Mr. Wicke.
The undertaker tells himself not to let this beast alone
with her or any girl. The year was 1653,
and all across the wavey moors a tree,
a peak, a rock would serve
the Christian ends of girls and wives.

"Did you know 'er, Mr. Thwaite?"
The undertaker wipes his brow.
"No I didn't, Mr. Wicke; now get the wagon close".
The brighter eye of God hovers just behind the tree,
as badgers burrow furtively beneath her tender feet.

[billy]

it feels a bit gruesome but i like it.
i wonder if the period could be intimated to in the title some way, telling us it's 1152 seems a bit cheaty, plus i got a sense of an earlier period from the rest of the poem. i do like the narrative of and in the poem
thanks for the read jack

They take her down like a sandbag,
cutting the rope and letting her thud the thud is palpable
on the copse's green, unyielding scalp.
She's not been dead long, still firm in breast and cunny. would She'd not bee.... be better or does the line need quote marks. (who's saying the line ) i did think the latter part of the line was enough as it infers what the 1st statment tells.[b]
"Better than anythin' money
can buy" chirps Mr. Wicke.
The undertaker tells himself not to let this beast alone
with her or any girl. The year was 1653, [b]why the year? can the time be guessed without the telling?
and all across the wavey moors a tree,
a peak, a rock would serve
the Christian ends of girls and wives.

"Did you know 'er, Mr. Thwaite?"
The undertaker wipes his brow.
"No I didn't, Mr. Wicke; now get the wagon close".
The brighter eye of God hovers just behind the tree, is just needed?
as badgers burrow furtively beneath her tender feet. i can't reconcile behind the tree with this line, though i do like the image.

[Erthona]

Jack,

Yeah, I agree with Billy, "The year was 1653" is a bit cheesy.

It reads more like prose than poetry, even that bastard halfling prose-poetry. The sentences are too long and workman-like, and this reads like a snippet of a longer piece, not a self-contained poem.

Dale

[heslopian]

Thank you both for your honest and thoughtful feedback I did feel that this poem felt like a snippet more than a self-contained piece, but didn't quite articulate it. The year was chosen, I'll admit, simply because it rhymed with "tree".

[Intricate B]

Nice, dark, and sick..
I like it Jack.
Kinda reminds me of one I wrote on dup,
That won me a comp..

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind comment, Intricate B

[bena]

This is nice.....BUT...if you want to make it more prose like you need to add. The date bit could be addressed another way, for a cheesy example, a newspaper blowing by with the date.

Now if you want to make it more like poetry, you'll have to get out your pruning shears and cut cut cut all the unnecessary words.

Just a thought....toss it in the bin if you wish!!!

but I do love the morbidity coupled with religion.

cheers,

bena

[heslopian]

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful feedback, bena

[JunKai]

I personally have no problem with a snapshot (though this is truly a photograph) of some larger narrative left unsaid. I'm no fan of prose-poetry and did not get a sense of it here but the line breaks could use a second look, if you're willing to let go of any meter you may have established (sorry, but I'm too busy to count right now). Sample of how you might modify a line: "They take her down like a sandbag, cutting/" as a full line--it would perpetuate the violence and further emphasize the disregard of the original murderous act while creating tension that then persists w/ Mr. Wicke's perversity. Thudding on a copse doesn't work for me. Perhaps has a different connotation that I've missed than the American denotation of a thicket, which would provide some give and perhaps some crackling or snapping. I don't think the final line needs "furtively". It has the potential to connote an intentionally implied motive (shiftiness) that badgers can't have and also disrupts the quiet alliteration of the "b's" that points to the subterranean silence. Badgers carry such strength in imagery that I think they rarely need adjectives. If meter is an issue, my own preference is always to sacrifice it if it gets in the way of the greater good.

Last, please know this does not come from a prude but a word junkie: I think that "cunny" is not only redundant, your having already established the perverted sexual desire w/ "breast", but it detours the tone into a dead end given the word apparently belongs to the otherwise straight-laced narrator and not Wicke, as I read it, or it is at best ambiguous, which I think should be resolved. If it does belong to Wicke's thoughts, "breast" needs to be crude, too.

Looking forward to a revision.

In service,
JunKai

---

After I pressed post, I realized I got a bit carried away for "mild critique". The newbie's finding his way. Hope you don't mind the excess for this forum.
Best intentions,
JunKai

I personally have no problem with a snapshot (though this is truly a photograph) of some larger narrative left unsaid. I'm no fan of prose-poetry and did not get a sense of it here but the line breaks could use a second look, if you're willing to let go of any meter you may have established (sorry, but I'm too busy to count right now). Sample of how you might modify a line: "They take her down like a sandbag, cutting/" as a full line--it would perpetuate the violence and further emphasize the disregard of the original murderous act while creating tension that then persists w/ Mr. Wicke's perversity. Thudding on a copse doesn't work for me. Perhaps has a different connotation that I've missed than the American denotation of a thicket, which would provide some give and perhaps some crackling or snapping. I don't think the final line needs "furtively". It has the potential to connote an intentionally implied motive (shiftiness) that badgers can't have and also disrupts the quiet alliteration of the "b's" that points to the subterranean silence. Badgers carry such strength in imagery that I think they rarely need adjectives. If meter is an issue, my own preference is always to sacrifice it if it gets in the way of the greater good.

Last, please know this does not come from a prude but a word junkie: I think that "cunny" is not only redundant, your having already established the perverted sexual desire w/ "breast", but it detours the tone into a dead end given the word apparently belongs to the otherwise straight-laced narrator and not Wicke, as I read it, or it is at best ambiguous, which I think should be resolved. If it does belong to Wicke's thoughts, "breast" needs to be crude, too.

Looking forward to a revision.

In service,
JunKai

[heslopian]

Thank you for your honest and insightful feedback, JunKai, it's very much appreciated I understand your opinions of "cunny" and the badgers. I'll have a think about them.

[Nick]

They take her down like a sandbag,
cutting the rope and letting her thud
on the copse's green, unyielding scalp.
She's not been dead long, still firm in breast and cunny.
"Better than anythin' money
can buy" chirps Mr. Wicke.
The undertaker tells himself not to let this beast alone
with her or any girl. The year was 1653,
and all across the wavey moors a tree,
a peak, a rock would serve
the Christian ends of girls and wives.

"Did you know 'er, Mr. Thwaite?"
The undertaker wipes his brow.
"No I didn't, Mr. Wicke; now get the wagon close".
The brighter eye of God hovers just behind the tree,
as badgers burrow furtively beneath her tender feet.

If these boys are doin' this regular there ain't no rope cuttin' (a slip knot is used). And the wagon is positioned under the corpse (assuming the space is viable) to lessen the work (of lifting).

Interesting effort.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and insightful feedback, Nick The historical details you provide are fascinating.