It all ends tonight

[Sonata]

I remember the day she came in,
It was dark and one lonely soul -
could barely be seen
I took her in, gave her home;
filled her body with warmth
She said: "Thank you",
as she strolled to the bed,
And then got lost in the field of dreams.

I remember the days when I -
could see her everywhere I went
and the nights she smoked cigarettes
with such style, on the terrasse
She would nod as I entered the home
And I would show my smile to the shadows,
instead of her with shyness.

One day as I was coming back from work,
I heard strange noises, my home
was sinking low.
Something swallowed it from inside,
She screamed just once,
So I can know she is there,
And left me hopeless just to stare.

I remember those days clearly,
after all, how can I forget,
In every dream of mine she exists
slowly walking away
into the darkness.

[tectak]

Hi sonata,
Easy crit coming up. Overall it is a puzzler and it leaves me much as it found me. I couldn't get the juice out of it no matter how I squeezed...so I am left with pointless pedantics and I think you deserve more.Sorry.
I remember the day she came in,
It was dark and one lonely soul - Maybe it was night, not day. It was so dark you dropped a hyphen and left it there. Lonely soul is cliche; lonely, seul is not.
could barely be seen
I took her in, gave her home; Pseudo-wordo-typo. Gave her A home.
filled her body with warmth Why no period?
She said: "Thank you", Why the colon?
as she strolled to the bed, Why the the?
And then got lost in the field of dreams. Why the cliche?

I remember the days when I - Bugger me, you've dropped another one. There must be a -hole in your punctuation pocket. Shit, now I've dropped one.
could see her everywhere I went
and the nights she smoked cigarettes
with such style, on the terrasse Here is the dilemma. You ARE punctuating then you are not punctuating. Period.
She would nod as I entered the home
And I would show my smile to the shadows, Why the capital on And. Here is the dilemma. You are capitalising some line starts and not others. Random makes abandon.
instead of her with shyness.

One day as I was coming back from work,
I heard strange noises, my home
was sicking low. No idea what this means. Have you?
Something swallowed it from inside,
She screamed just once,
So I can know she is there,
And left me hopeless just to stare. Weak line. Pointless rhyme. Sometimes rhyme, sometimes not. Tidy this up, sonata. You are MUCH better than this

I remember those days clearly,
after all, how can I forget,
In every dream of mine she exists
slowly walking away
into the darkness. No. A nothing end. Means little, says little; somehow fitting.

Not one of your best. It is all over the place like watered-down emulsion. Thin and hopelessly in need of another coat of looking at.
Best,
tectak

[FractalPacifist]

This feels like a piece with a lot of emotion behind it, but it's not coming through very strongly. I would focus on increasing the concrete imagery you use; let us see more of the scene, more of the person, and the loss will feel more potent.

Good start, though!

(Tectak's line-by-line breakdown was pretty strong, but I threw in a few more points.)

I remember the day she came in, I feel like this would be stronger if you found a way to evoke a memory without saying "I remember".
It was dark and one lonely soul -
could barely be seen
I took her in, gave her home;
filled her body with warmth
She said: "Thank you",
as she strolled to the bed,
And then got lost in the field of dreams. "field of dreams" is a little cliche. Different way to say she went to sleep?

I remember the days when I -
could see her everywhere I went
and the nights she smoked cigarettes
with such style, on the terrasse
She would nod as I entered the home
And I would show my smile to the shadows,
instead of her with shyness. this line feels a little strained grammar-wise.

One day as I was coming back from work,Try a physical image here. Mention your car pulling into the driveway, or something like that.
I heard strange noises, my home
was sinking low.
Something swallowed it from inside,
She screamed just once,
So I can know she is there,
And left me hopeless just to stare.

I remember those days clearly,
after all, how can I forget,
In every dream of mine she exists
slowly walking away
into the darkness.

[heslopian]

I remember the day she came in,
It was dark and one lonely soul -
could barely be seen Should there be some kind of punctuation here?
I took her in, gave her home;
filled her body with warmth I like this line because it's an original way of saying "I warmed her up".
She said: "Thank you",
as she strolled to the bed,
And then got lost in the field of dreams.

I remember the days when I -
could see her everywhere I went
and the nights she smoked cigarettes
with such style, on the terrasse "Terrace"; unless you're using a variant of British which isn't English or American, in which case I retract.
She would nod as I entered the home
And I would show my smile to the shadows, Another original way of saying something which could have been expressed dully
instead of her with shyness.

One day as I was coming back from work,
I heard strange noises, my home
was sinking low.
Something swallowed it from inside,
She screamed just once,
So I can know she is there,
And left me hopeless just to stare. This line might be more impactful with a comma after "hopeless".

I remember those days clearly,
after all, how can I forget,
In every dream of mine she exists
slowly walking away
into the darkness. Effective last three lines.

The poem's missing a lot of details (who are these women? What is the nature of the guest?), and in the absence of them we're not given much to latch onto, so I'd recommend sketching more in here, but it's elegant enough that you have the bones of a very good poem. Thank you for the read Critique is JMHO.