Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[ellajam]

Maybe fermented wash

Wash is nice with the wind and wound, I'll give it a try and see if I can make it make sense. A fermented wish is nice too in its whimsy. thanks.

[Mark101]

Hello Ellajam,

There's nothing I can add that has not already been said, but I did just want to say that your piece is a lovely serene vision of a moonbeam's journey, and I enjoyed it very much.

It's really good to see it's progression too, from first draught to where it is now, the improvements are marked and to my mind, absolutely right.

Best regards

Mark

[ellajam]

Hello Ellajam,

There's nothing I can add that has not already been said, but I did just want to say that your piece is a lovely serene vision of a moonbeam's journey, and I enjoyed it very much.

It's really good to see it's progression too, from first draught to where it is now, the improvements are marked and to my mind, absolutely right.

Best regards

Mark

Thanks for reading, Mark, and for the vote of confidence. Any edit to L4 that you think might work?

I agree, it's fun to watch the poems change. For me, one of the great gifts of this site is being able to read through threads where people have posted various edits, watching which suggestions are taken and how the poem improves through the changes. Trying to understand it all has been a huge help to me in my own writing.

[Mark101]

Hi Ella,

I can see that L4 has changed in each edit, so I might guess that it was one that gave you trouble.

Fermented through a moonshine still

It depends on what you want to say. For me, the image that this line gives me is that possibly you could be under the influence of the moonshine while watching the moonbeam. If that is the right interp., then the line is good though I think I might have chosen not to use "fermented". It's not a bad word, and here it could imply that the image is amplified, however if you use "filtered", I think it helps the meter a tad, and it pertains more to the journey of the moonbeam, rather than it's state, and it still implies the "under the influence" part of the interp.

Of course, I could have read it all wrong.

Best

Mark

[ellajam]

Hi Ella,

I can see that L4 has changed in each edit, so I might guess that it was one that gave you trouble.

Fermented through a moonshine still

It depends on what you want to say.  For me, the image that this line gives me is that possibly you could be under the influence of the moonshine while watching the moonbeam.  If that is the right interp., then the line is good though I think I might have chosen not to use "fermented".  It's not a bad word, and here it could imply that the image is amplified, however if you use "filtered", I think it helps the meter a tad, and it pertains more to the journey of the moonbeam, rather than it's state, and it still implies the "under the influence" part of the interp.

Of course, I could have read it all wrong.

Best

Mark

Filtered is lovely, thanks, it has possibilities. I'm aiming for iambic tetrameter, we must be reading differently because FILtered would not be my choice to start the line, but that doesn't mean I can't make it work.

I was aiming more for dreaminess than intoxication, so if "moonshine still" has that much influence I may have to move it or ditch it. Thanks for the heads up.