I Wrote My Suicide Note

[Todd]

Beneath your
eyelids so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

[billy]

not a lot to give feedback on, good use of the title.
i like the idea you wrote under her lids. makes it doubly painful

[Keith]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

The two 'so you would' binds the stanzas and heightens the bitterness of never understand. I can't say hiero, heirogl, hier...code. A fresh take on an old theme...refreshing. Keith

[ChristopherSea]

Ironic offering for suicide month Todd!

[ellajam]

I really like this one just the way it is. I think it gets straight to the heart of suicide.

I am just learning about titling. I never thought of using it as such an integral part of the poem, or realized it was okay to leave what it says out of the body of the poem.

Thanks.

[bena]

This is realllly brilliant. Nuff said.


mel.

[milo]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

I am disappointed
that this is so good.

[tigrflye]

This really is so good. I could have written a page full and never quite said as much as you just did in a few words.

[Todd]

Thank you all so much. I was posting mostly for the sake of posting on the topic. I hadn't thought this simple piece would get this kind of reception.

Thank you all for your kind comments.

(oh, and Ella titles can be really useful. If you get a chance and haven't read it, Ted Kooser's The Poetry Home Repair Manual discusses titles in a great way. He got me started looking more at what they can do for you)

[sansysans]

In so few words, I believe you've linked a suicidal's desire for help and attention with a certain sense of futility that their situation cannot be understood. Bueno.

[Wjames]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

Simply delightful.

I have no critique to offer, a perfect reflection of so many failed cries for help.

[Todd]

Thank you both for your kind comments. I hadn't seen them till now.

Much appreciated,

Todd

[Charlesjoseph]

I like this
very much
Leave it be
Good job
Sir

[Todd]

Thanks, appreciate the comments.

Best,

Todd

[laurenroberta]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

This is really brilliant. It's so simple, but then again it says so much. I wouldn't change a thing!

[clemonz]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

strong idea - and sentiment behind it.

i read it as stressing both terms in "would / never" so that slows the end of the poem down, which i'm not sure works.

[Brownlie]

Beneath your
eyelids; so you
would see.

In hieroglyphics,
so you would
never understand.

Is so you would see an independent article?

[newsclippings]

This reminds me of a drum beat. It's quite nice Todd. I actually think the first three stand well by themselves, too.

[Insideaus]

I'm so glad this was not longer. It is more powerful the way it has been written. Very well done.

[5th Flow Boy]

Straight to the point. I think it's deep and creatively addresses a societal issue however, the length does bother me due to the fact that the brief contact in my opinion gives the poem a feel of non-importance.

I think it is a great start but maybe a stanza or 2 in the center can better ft the moot feeling of the poem.