Poem Seeking Reader (Revision 2)

[Todd]

Revision 2

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme, and stolen fire.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie
restless beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
as you will in me.

~~~
Edit: Made some edits, some milo suggested, some new. I toyed with removing the second why and didn't like it. One option I also considered was after lonely: , as you lie restless (or still breaking on lie). I dabbled with the fire line a bit, and settled for simplicity at this point.

Revision .5

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.


~~~
Good typo catch Jenn (they can sneak in no matter how much we read over these things.

Alright let me look at the thing without Ebola (Edit).

[tigrflye]

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel shakespear
that love is in the air, than I am not then
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes Malaria,
influenza exploding into airborne Ebola, just my opinion, my least favorite line. It's nastier than the others
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless my two favorite lines.. finally something
to blame all those restless nights on
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.

So much here to like. The Russian nesting dolls is a beautiful image.. possibly a challenge. Or, I am a Russian nesting doll. You will lose yourself in me. I don't know, but it got me thinking about being lost in someone.. I'm anxious to read other comments.
You have a very nice way with words.
-Jenn

[Todd]

Thank you for your comments Jenn. I appreciate the read and the time, and for catching the typo of course.

Best,

Todd

[lainey]

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes Malaria,
influenza exploding into airborne Ebola,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.


~~~
Good typo catch Jenn (they can sneak in no matter how much we read over these things.

I think the third stanza would work well on its own. Partly because I'm tired of people making fun of 'roses are red/violets are blue' (not that I think it doesn't deserve it, just weary of all the jokes) but that's just me .

Some lines I really enjoyed because I think it tells me a lot about what you want in your poetry were: 'the stolen fire of insight,' 'why you lie restless/beneath the moon.'

The last four lines of that stanza seem almost antithetical to the closing quatrain of john ashbery's 'paradoxes and oxymorons,'

It has been played once more. I think you exist only
To tease me into doing it, on your level, and then you aren’t there
Or have adopted a different attitude. And the poem
Has set me softly down beside you. The poem is you.

[Todd]

When I first wrote this (about 7 months ago) it was for a NaPM exercise of milo's. Write a personal ad poem. The roses are red thing was just a headline of sorts. I've been working through some of these to see if any of them are worth developing.

I'll have to revisit Ashbery--thanks for that.

Appreciate the comments. I'll give them some thought (especially if I want to give those damn roses a break).

Best,

Todd

[newsclippings]

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes Malaria,
influenza exploding into airborne Ebola,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.


~~~
Good typo catch Jenn (they can sneak in no matter how much we read over these things.

I never got that violets are blue thing. They're violet, that's why they're called violets after all. And don't get me started on red roses.

I don't get the sickness you're trying to portray here. Maybe a little more grit and less humor?

But I'm biased.
My favorite line is the one with malaria. Well done.

[Todd]

Thanks News,

I never understood why violets aren't well violet either. I'll put the note in for more grit and give it due consideration.

I appreciate the read and the comments.

Best,

Todd

[Charlesjoseph]

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes Malaria, ( i like this line)
influenza exploding into airborne Ebola, (two diseases may be redundant considering the rest of the poem)
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.


I like the nesting doll reference. Nice job todd.

[Todd]

Thanks Chaaz, appreciate the comments.

On the Ebola line, I had in my head (whether I executed it right is debatable) that Ebola often looks like influenza in the beginning.

Best,

Todd

[Charlesjoseph]

Thanks Chaaz, appreciate the comments.

On the Ebola line, I had in my head (whether I executed it right is debatable) that Ebola often looks like influenza in the beginning.

Best,

Todd

Sorry for the confusion todd but what i meant to say was perhaps two lines with diseases is to much..malaria in the first , ebola in the second.
Chazz

[Todd]

Oh, I get you now. I'll think about it. I think I prefer malaria if I had to choose one (though if I were choosing a disease for myself--I'd probably go with a light case of the sniffles).

Thanks for clarifying

[ThePinsir]

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes Malaria,
influenza exploding into airborne Ebola,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless I think you fell short of that promise
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.

My only real issue is that you said I would finally understand. But don't explain, or provide any real means for me to understand.

Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

[Todd]

Hey Devan,

Thanks, appreciate the comments. I think it's meant to be a tease to spend time with the poem, not the payoff.

Can't give too much up front, or you end up alone.

Best,

Todd

---

I removed a line. It didn't seem enough to put up an edited revision. The poem is revised though.

[milo]

Hey Todd. I remember this prompt, I also remember skipping it myself, so kudos to you for hitting it.

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.

I like most of this right up until "and the stole fire of insight". First, it feels clumsily stated and of course, there is the abstraction. Whenever I read "of . . " preceding an abstraction, I just know it is going to be a poetic construct. i feel like this poem deserves something better. I have considered your line breaks through here carefully and, not to say that they are bad, but i feel like they could be better.

With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.

too wordy and you are losing your music here.

With me, you will understand why
a flower is lonely and you lie
restless beneath the moon.
I will not be your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
as you will in me.




or something like that. Anyway, thanks for posting, good luck with it.

[Todd]

Hey thanks milo, I'll look at the lines. I loved all those exercises these came from, and am looking forward to April again.

I agree with your _____ of ______ comment. 99.999% of the time they can be done better. They're like bubonic rats in the way they slip in.

I like some of the condensing you did especially the "as" and the "will" in the final line: It lends some confidence to the assertion. I know I'll keep that.

Thanks again,

Todd

[tomoffing]

New to the forum folks, so not an opinion to take with much weight.

That said, this is excellently composed. In particular the line,
"I am humidity that precedes malaria,"
A simple evocative line that captures a great depth of imagery and evokes it immediately.

My only observation is on the 3rd line third stanza
"With me, you will finally understand why "
The rhythm of this line jarred within the stanza for me. Perhaps,
with me, finally, you will understand why
Although this may alter the context you are trying to create.

great work in any case

Revision 2

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme, and stolen fire.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie
restless beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
as you will in me.

~~~
Edit: Made some edits, some milo suggested, some new. I toyed with removing the second why and didn't like it. One option I also considered was after lonely: , as you lie restless (or still breaking on lie). I dabbled with the fire line a bit, and settled for simplicity at this point.

Revision .5

Tired of red roses
and blue violets

If you expect me to compare myself
to a Summer's day, or feel
that love is in the air, then I am not
the poem for you.

I am the humidity that precedes malaria,
rhythm without rhyme,
and the stolen fire of insight.
With me, you will finally understand why
a flower is lonely, and why you lie restless
beneath the moon. I will not be
your Russian nesting doll
for I will never lose myself in you,
though you may in me.


~~~
Good typo catch Jenn (they can sneak in no matter how much we read over these things.

Alright let me look at the thing without Ebola (Edit).

[Todd]

Tomoffing,

Thanks for the comments. I take your point on the line. I think if I choose to alter it. I'm more likely to cut finally. That may be the issue.

Either way, I'll give it some thought.

Best,

Todd