my girls

[gilmored]

You sit there in your bed time clothes
wrapped up tight, in a curl,
Only showing your cute little toes
Holding our baby girl.

You two mean so much
Nothing can compare.
Cannons roar at every touch
I even love your hair.

Yours so dark like the midnight air
poppin' up everywhere.
Hers still changing color,
And curling here and there.

When my girls hold me
everything else is mist.
My heart is bound to you,
and our baby, we've been blessed.

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks. #1 revision

[ellajam]

Welcome, gil.

I found this a little too simple for those big, deep feelings you are talking about. Here are some notes.

You sit there in your bed time clothes
sitting covered, in a curl, you've already used sit, try something in place of sitting
Only showing your cute little toes I think these two lines are effective
Holding our baby girl.

You two mean so much these two lines are unnecessary IMO
Nothing can compare.
Cannons roar at every touch nice but I can't figure out what the sound has to do with the hair in the next line
I even love your hair.

Yours so dark and in a mess I think you could be more descriptive and original in these four lines
Going everywhere.
Hers still changing color,
And curling here and there.

My girls mean the world to me We get that, too blunt
Everything else is mist. lovely line
My heart belongs to one woman, again, try to be more original
And our baby we've been blessed.

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks.

Looking forward to an edit, hopefully you'll get some more comments to help you zero in on weak spots while maintaining what is good here.

Hope you enjoy the site.

[gilmored]

Thank you for the comment. You have given me some things to think about. I look forward to your comments on my other work. As for the second stanza it isn't the sound I'm referring to, but the explosive force. The following line describes how i love even the smallest things about them.

[heslopian]

You sit there in your bed time clothes
sitting covered, in a curl,
Only showing your cute little toes
Holding our baby girl. This verse is the best because it's simple and imagistic without resorting clichés. It's like a tiny snapshot.

You two mean so much
Nothing can compare.
Cannons roar at every touch
I even love your hair. The first two lines of this verse are a bit cliché, but I really like the rhyme of "compare" and "love your hair", so I don't know if I'd suggest a strong edit.

Yours so dark and in a mess
Going everywhere.
Hers still changing color,
And curling here and there. Similar to the first verse in its positive qualities. The changing hair colour is a particular high point.

My girls mean the world to me This is a bit cliché.
Everything else is mist.
My heart belongs to one woman,
And our baby we've been blessed. This doesn't really make grammatical sense. Should it be something like "and BY our baby we've been blessed"?

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks.

This one has promise, though I think it would benefit from being quite a bit shorter. In my opinion poems with such a simple, unassuming style decrease in effect the longer they are. Again, just my opinion. Thank you for the read

[gilmored]

thanks heslopian for your thoughts, but you don't have the revised version on your quote. I will consider your advice on the parts that are still in it, and welcome any more advice you may have.

[ellajam]

thanks heslopian for your thoughts, but you don't have the revised version on your quote. I will consider your advice on the parts that are still in it, and welcome any more advice you may have.

Here's the link for the site's suggestion on how to post an edit.

I have to say that hair sprouting everywhere made me laugh, I pictured her with a mustache and earhair. Sorry

[jdvanwijk]

Hello gilmored,

There's some lines that I like in this poem, but I feel there's a lot to work on as well. I did like the tenderness with which you describe the scene, though.

You sit there in your bed time clothes
wrapped up tight, in a curl, These first two lines I thought were simple but touching.
Only showing your cute little toes
Holding our baby girl. Somehow these two lines are a bit unclear for me. "Your cute little toes" seems to speak of a child, but when you say "our baby girl" the previous line seems to refer to your wife.

You two mean so much
Nothing can compare.These two lines feel weak to me. You essentially say the same thing twice; also, maybe you can think of another way altogether of showing the reader that they mean so much to you instead of simply stating it?
Cannons roar at every touch This image feels overly epic to me for the scene you describe.
I even love your hair. This feels like a total non sequitor and seems only inserted for the rhyme in the next line. It did make me giggle though.

Yours so dark like the midnight air
poppin' up everywhere.Again two lines that clash with each other. An "epic" image ("midnight air", which I find a bit cliché as well) and "poppin' up everywhere". The effect for me was humorous, but was that what you intended?
Hers still changing color,This line I like, the focus on hair changing color shows a lot without "telling"; maybe this thought could be expanded.
And curling here and there.

When my girls hold me
everything else is mist. This line sounds a bit awkward to me.
My heart is bound to you,
and our baby, we've been blessed.These last two lines feel cliché. I would again try to make the reader feel the importance of these persons through an image, instead of resorting to just telling it.

bring it on critics! give me your worst! i strive to improve, and work out the quirks. #1 revision