Off sick-- edit 2

[justcloudy]

edit 2 Thanks rowens
I plodded through a box of tissues today.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a red beach pail-turned-trashcan, resting
where my feet should be.
But they’re curled between
orange plush and me,
twisting round while trying
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,
like those my sisters would eat
on scorching days,
far from here.



edit 1 Thanks tomoffing
I plodded through a box of tissues today.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting
where my feet would be if they weren't
curled over orange plush,
twisting around while trying
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,
like the ones my sisters love to eat
on scorching days,
far away from this one.



original
I went through a full box of tissues today.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting
where my feet would be if they weren't
curled over orange plush,
twisting around each other, struggling
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,
like the ones my sisters love to eat
on scorching days,
far away from this one.

[Blake]

I went through a full box of tissues today.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting
where my feet would be if they weren't
curled over orange plush,
twisting around each other, struggling
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,
like the ones my sisters love to eat
on scorching days,
far away from this one.

I can relate to this one today as I have been quite sick myself the last few days (but unfortunately I'm still at work.)

I like the giant popcorn line, that was clever.

[sabbath]

In a word...lovely!

I went through a full box of tissues today.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting

Already been said, but describing discarded tissues as giant popcorn is very clever. I can see the image vividly.

where my feet would be if they weren't
curled over orange plush,
twisting around each other, struggling
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,

I have diabetes, and my feet are always cold. This describes it perfectly for me.

like the ones my sisters love to eat
on scorching days,
far away from this one.

Your ending I think is my most favorite here. One simple, succinct line describing how you feel about the day. No long, drawn out stanzas that over describe without adding anything. Very nice. I enjoyed the read very much.

[justcloudy]

Thanks both. ^____^

Feel better soon Blake! Luckily I'm on the mend.

All the -ing words don't distract?

[Wanderbug]

The ing words don't personally bother me. In general I enjoyed the piece, but the last five lines were definitely my favorite. They roll off the tongue much more smoothly.

[tomoffing]

This is a great succinct expression of a mundane but relatable experience.

I went through a full box of tissues today. I think you can do better than went, and not sure full is necessary.
Now giant cotton popcorn overflows genius
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting
where my feet would be if they weren't
curled over orange plush,
twisting around each other, struggling don't think each other adds anything
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries, maybe to instead of into. Otherwise lovely.
like the ones my sisters love to eat
on scorching days, beautiful shift in scene, great contrast,
far away from this one. And here a sense of being sorry for oneself. Great stuff.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Bookmarked for my next illness!!
Thanks.

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the good points tomoffing, I appreciate it! Edit posted.

[rowens]

You thought about getting rid of "the ones" in the line about your sisters?

[justcloudy]

Yes rowens I have, but I can't figure out how to replace it. Any ideas?
Btw how's this as a nice bit of reckless meandering? ;p

[rowens]

to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries
like my sisters love to eat
on scorching days,

[justcloudy]

It feels too naked like that, I don't like it. Unless I put

into the small frozen cherries
my sister love to eat

but that's a bit disgusting... lol.

[rowens]

Why is it naked or disgusting?

[justcloudy]

My sisters are too young to have a foot fetish... and maybe I'll warm up to the other but it just seems incomplete.

[rowens]

They're still eating literal cherries. That's what's implied.

[justcloudy]

I'll think on it.

[rowens]

You can think about line breaks maybe being different, but something like:

twisting while trying
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries
my sisters would eat
on scorching days
far from this.

or

twisting while trying
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries
my sisters used to eat
on scorching days
far from this one.


Just examples of big changes that aren't very drastic.

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the help rowens. Edit 2 posted.

[rowens]

I said not very drastic, the least change can affect tone. But that's true of sound too, and it still needs to sound good while creating or maintaining a tone.

I'll read your other one.

I plodded through a box of tissues today.

The plodded is O.K.; maybe it's a word you use naturally, who knows? The opening line as a one sentence statement is something I see a lot lately. I don't think any of them have been strong enough to hold such a lofty position.


Now giant cotton popcorn overflows
a pail-turned-trashcan, resting

That kind of writing, the outright images seem kind of cheap to me, it's the way people write these days and have for decades, I know, but it somehow feels cheap to me. I might elaborate more on that later.
I like hyphenated ideas, how disparate ideas are merged that way; but many people already call a trashcan a pail, so it isn't very effective and feels like wasted space.


where my feet should be.
But they’re curled between
orange plush and me,
twisting round while trying
to keep ten toes from turning
into small frozen cherries,
like those my sisters would eat
on scorching days,
far from here.

[justcloudy]

Hm I hadn't thought of that but I guess you're right, re: pail-turned-trashcan.

"a upside down sandcastle mold" ?

[rowens]

You can find some way of using it. Beach pail, sand pail, or something better.