Mind never resting

[Ryan_w_r]

Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.
empty shells muddling through the streets, attention arresting.
An Incomprehensible sight, mind digesting.
Unable to understand, self detesting.
Alone in this place, no one accepting.
Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Ryan:

Although I enjoyed many aspects of this poem, I am not crazy about the over abundance of 'ing' words in a piece. First, they tend to weaken all of the stem words that they modify. Then, they create a 'yawning-sawing' sound that drowns out any other sonics the poem may have.

You could achieve a more decisive voice and lovely sound by simply eliminating them. What about something like:

Mental Unrest

Mind never rests. Relentless unease attests
to empty shells muddling through streets with attention arrested.
An incomprehensible sight, a mind digests
yet, unable to understand self detest.
Alone in this place, no one accepts
that a mind never rests, as relentless unease attests.

This was done rather quickly, but you can get my drift. You may want to look over your punctuation too. See what you think? Cheers/Chris

[oxomiya]

I can understand what you are trying to do with this poem. It is nice as a novelty poem. I am finding it a little hard to keep up with the imagery but I think it is a good piece of work.

Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.
empty shells muddling through the streets, attention arresting.
An Incomprehensible sight, mind digesting.
Unable to understand, self detesting.
Alone in this place, no one accepting.
Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.

[Blake]

When I read this I cant help but read it like the lyrics to an old-school thrash song. But that is just me. Good wordplay

[DonMar]

Ryan, by and large, the 'ing' words work for me, though I'd suggest the simple present in a couple of places.. Here's how I interpret the poem (see below). I'd suggest 'rests' in lines 1 & 6','muddle' in line 2.

Reading through the poem again, I can hear it as a thrash metal song about alienation.

Good work.

Donna

Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.
empty shells muddling through the streets, attention arresting. The empty shells refers to people, who attract the narrator's attention.
An Incomprehensible sight, mind digesting. The narrator observes, digests the information, which is incomprehensible to him.
Unable to understand, self detesting. The narrator detests himself and the inability to understand what he sees.
Alone in this place, no one accepting. The narrator is alone in his situation, not accepted by others.
Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.

[Ryan_w_r]

Thank you for reading!! And you were 100% correct in your interpretation glad someone got what I was trying to say!!

Ryan, by and large, the 'ing' words work for me, though I'd suggest the simple present in a couple of places.. Here's how I interpret the poem (see below). I'd suggest 'rests' in lines 1 & 6','muddle' in line 2.

Reading through the poem again, I can hear it as a thrash metal song about alienation.

Good work.

Donna

Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.
empty shells muddling through the streets, attention arresting. The empty shells refers to people, who attract the narrator's attention.
An Incomprehensible sight, mind digesting. The narrator observes, digests the information, which is incomprehensible to him.
Unable to understand, self detesting. The narrator detests himself and the inability to understand what he sees.
Alone in this place, no one accepting. The narrator is alone in his situation, not accepted by others.
Mind never resting, relentless unease attesting.