The Roman Sonnet

[Leanne]

Hey, there's nothing wrong with polysyllabic rhymes For my part, I quite enjoyed the read but would LOVE to see this rendered into some regular meter and true rhymes instead of those slants. Having said that, the essence of a sonnet is communication of thought/emotion/philosophy in a lyrical manner and once you are more comfortable with the way written poetry works, I suspect you'll have no trouble relaxing into the form.

Once you have a good read of the meter threads and sonnet practices, get your chosen meter stuck in your head and let the words fall around it. A metronome, a drum beat or just banging it out on the desk will definitely help. I still do that and I've been playing this game for a million years.

---

PS. The first sonnets I wrote were in heptameter, i.e. seven iambs (14 syllables) per line. Worked perfectly well.

[L Oquence]

I edited it again, I clapped the stressed rhythm from the first line and made the rest of the poem match it rhythmically, or at least I tried.

[Leanne]

The clapping has left you with dactylic tetrameter, almost perfectly regular -- nicely done! (Dactyls are DUM-da-da)

The Roman Sonnet (EDIT ONE)
From humble beginnings, the mightiest rise.
Fresh like a forest that’s absent of cinder. -- I tend to think "cinders" would work better here
They are so anxious, providing demise.
Learnt code of honour, they aim to die victors.

Rigour and vigour is tested and learned.
Called into Gaulle, and then they wait for dark. -- removing "and" will make the meter better here
Watch as the soldiers directly emerge. -- meter works here, but "directly" just sounds odd -- I am at a loss for an alternative at the moment though, sorry
Do what they’re told, lest they face up to Mars. -- would you consider "do as they're told"?

Barbarians rise and the war trumpet calls.
Orcus has spoken for those who oppose.
The judge uncontested, and he’s trumping all.
Aquilo leaves all of them froze in their bones. -- two uses of "all" make this a bit awkward -- perhaps "Aquilo leaves every man froze in his bones"? (I quite like "froze" instead of "frozen")

The lesson is learned, tested confirmed, -- maybe a comma after "tested"
Believe in the legion or rest in an urn!

[L Oquence]

The clapping has left you with dactylic tetrameter, almost perfectly regular -- nicely done! (Dactyls are DUM-da-da)

The Roman Sonnet (EDIT ONE)
From humble beginnings, the mightiest rise.
Fresh like a forest that’s absent of cinder. -- I tend to think "cinders" would work better here
They are so anxious, providing demise.
Learnt code of honour, they aim to die victors.

Rigour and vigour is tested and learned.
Called into Gaulle, and then they wait for dark. -- removing "and" will make the meter better here
Watch as the soldiers directly emerge. -- meter works here, but "directly" just sounds odd -- I am at a loss for an alternative at the moment though, sorry
Do what they’re told, lest they face up to Mars. -- would you consider "do as they're told"?

Barbarians rise and the war trumpet calls.
Orcus has spoken for those who oppose.
The judge uncontested, and he’s trumping all.
Aquilo leaves all of them froze in their bones. -- two uses of "all" make this a bit awkward -- perhaps "Aquilo leaves every man froze in his bones"? (I quite like "froze" instead of "frozen")

The lesson is learned, tested confirmed, -- maybe a comma after "tested"
Believe in the legion or rest in an urn!

I took the suggestions, as they made sense. I opted for a semi colon once again after tested. And chose "progress and emerge" I think I made this poem much more readable

[abu nuwas]

I think you mean 'Gaul'? Unless you are talking about the Legion whose mottoes are 'Legio Patria Nostra' and 'Honneur et Fidelité'.

The flurry of dactyls is a great improvement. I think Leanne has inadvertently led you astray a little, though. In the 'Gaul' line, she suggested it would read better by knocking out 'and' as you have. But unless you add 'the' before 'dark', it is worse, not better. Stick 'the' in, and bingo! get another dactyl, 'WAIT for the' plus final stress.

[Leanne]

CALLED into/ GAUL then they/ WAIT for the/ DARK

ah... I see... I missed that there was no "the" there! I read it with the automatic assumption, so yes, Ed is correct.

[abu nuwas]

CALLED into/ GAUL then they/ WAIT for the/ DARK

ah... I see... I missed that there was no "the" there! I read it with the automatic assumption, so yes, Ed is correct.

Why thank you, Ma'am! I feel as though I had just avoided the Index, with a Vatican imprimatur.

[L Oquence]

Good job pointing that out. I was positive it was Gaul but ms word did not agree with me. /:

anyway. im surprised what a little clapping was able to do rhythm wise.

[abu nuwas]

For some of us, Gaul was as real as Rome -- Transalpine Gaul, Cisalpine Gaul, 'Omnia Gallia in tres partes divisa est' , as Caesar began his War Commentaries. Or the Rubicon......which was not supposed to be crossed, but was. We could cast into Latin any amount of rampart-throwing up, with no idea of what they might be, and were better acquainted with Vercingetorix and Pompey, than we were with our own leaders of the day. So no credit attaches to this; the a present-day inhabitant of the Hexagon might raise an eye at such a slip. The good General de Gaulle, who associated his name with the country, would not see a problem, having written long before he was begged to invent a new Constitution, and be President, that he always knew that it was his destiny. A fine man, though a little embarrassing to hear him at a political rally, suddenly break out into singing 'The Marseillaise'.

Reverting to your poem, I had wondered vaguely if you were intending to introduce the Foreign Legion, in the way people do this 'layer' business.

(sgd) Beau Cochon

[L Oquence]

For some of us, Gaul was as real as Rome -- Transalpine Gaul, Cisalpine Gaul, 'Omnia Gallia in tres partes divisa est' , as Caesar began his War Commentaries. Or the Rubicon......which was not supposed to be crossed, but was. We could cast into Latin any amount of rampart-throwing up, with no idea of what they might be, and were better acquainted with Vercingetorix and Pompey, than we were with our own leaders of the day. So no credit attaches to this; the a present-day inhabitant of the Hexagon might raise an eye at such a slip. The good General de Gaulle, who associated his name with the country, would not see a problem, having written long before he was begged to invent a new Constitution, and be President, that he always knew that it was his destiny. A fine man, though a little embarrassing to hear him at a political rally, suddenly break out into singing 'The Marseillaise'.

Reverting to your poem, I had wondered vaguely if you were intending to introduce the Foreign Legion, in the way people do this 'layer' business.

(sgd) Beau Cochon

Oh, no. Nothing to do with the modern French, although they're from the same area.