Cross, Out Back

[bbcashdollar]

a crucifix of
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

clothes pins braced
between her fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash
---------------------------
a crucifix of
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman with
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash
----------------

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins held
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or a woman
hanging wash

---------
a crucifix:
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash

[ChristopherSea]

bb, I like this a lot. The initial reveal before each image are a bit anticlimactic. Have you thought about reversing that? Not a rewrite, but for example purposes (or something like it):

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,
or hanging wash,
a woman

Also, braced is an unusual choice for the clothes pins, perhaps clutched or grasped might work better. See what you think. Nice work again./Chris

[bbcashdollar]

bb, I like this a lot. The initial reveal before each image are a bit anticlimactic. Have you thought about reversing that? Not a rewrite, but for example purposes (or something like it):

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,
or hanging wash,
a woman

Also, braced is an unusual choice for the clothes pins, perhaps clutched or grasped might work better. See what you think. Nice work again./Chris

Thanks Chris. I like moving those to the back end. I'll try that. I'll think about "braced" as well. As for the ending, the piece has two subjects: the woman and the projections of the viewer. Because beyond the shape it's not a cross, it's a crude laundry pole. And she not praising or giving herself over, but working. That's my reason for closing with "or hanging wash". Thanks again - Brian

[LorettaYoung]

Still needs work:

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins held
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or a woman
hanging wash

---------
a crucifix:
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash

---

I'm just a newbie passing by but had to stop and say I think your imagery is just beautiful; to me, they are one and the same, a woman praising and a woman doing laundry. Loretta

[bbcashdollar]

Still needs work:

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins held
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or a woman
hanging wash

---------
a crucifix:
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash

---

I'm just a newbie passing by but had to stop and say I think your imagery is just beautiful; to me, they are one and the same, a woman praising and a woman doing laundry. Loretta

I'm a newbie too. Thanks for the kind remarks.

---

I like having the crucifix at the end of the first stanza, bit didn't work for the second stanza. Instead I opted for prepositions instead of colons.

[ellajam]

Hi, bb, welcome.

I liked the original and think your edit has improved it. I prefer the top one, but feel you could lose "a woman with". I think a lot of people associate laundry with women, and if they don't I still think gender isn't an issue here, for me it works with anyone as the launderer. I might break on crucifix.

Thanks for the read, if you give a few more critiques in the workshops you could participate fully there. Glad to have you, thanks for the read.

a crucifix of
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman with
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash
----------------

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins held
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or a woman
hanging wash

---------
a crucifix:
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash

[bbcashdollar]

Hi, bb, welcome.

I liked the original and think your edit has improved it. I prefer the top one, but feel you could lose "a woman with". I think a lot of people associate laundry with women, and if they don't I still think gender isn't an issue here, for me it works with anyone as the launderer. I might break on crucifix.

Thanks for the read, if you give a few more critiques in the workshops you could participate fully there. Glad to have you, thanks for the read.

a crucifix of
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman with
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash
----------------

weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt,
a crucifix

clothes pins held
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or a woman
hanging wash

---------
a crucifix:
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman:
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash

I'm uncomfortable removing the woman, which means of course I'll gift it a shot. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Bunx]

really enjoyed this poem. especially the imagery of the crucifixes making up the clothes line. my favorite version of this poem is the this one

"a crucifix of
weathered board and nails
suspending line, laundry
above fresh dirt

a woman with
clothes pins braced
between fingers and teeth
praising, surrendering,

or hanging wash"

I feel that the imagery in this version is the easiest to picture in my mind.