Summer

[addy]

Cold pressure in my mouth
breaks in one loud pop.
Overhead, clouds churn,
swirls and peaks
ghosting over grill-hot pavement.

These are delicious, delicious days.

[Bianca Alabaster]

enjoyed it, thanks

[addy]

glad you liked

[billy]

nicely written addy.

i enjoyed the last line of the first verse

but loved the last line of the poem. it was delicious

[addy]

LOL! Thanks

[heslopian]

Not fond of the last line myself. It seems a bit too neat to suit the great imagery beforehand, and also surmises the poem's intent beyond what's required, I think. Aside from that, though, a wonderful piece; surreal and visceral, like a dream. I love short pieces like this.

[addy]

Not fond of the last line myself. It seems a bit too neat to suit the great imagery beforehand, and also surmises the poem's intent beyond what's required, I think. Aside from that, though, a wonderful piece; surreal and visceral, like a dream. I love short pieces like this.

Good point about that last line. Thanks so much for the feedback

[Leanne]

This is a nice, tidy little poem. I really like the food/taste metaphor here -- I think this could be extended further in the last line, perhaps something like "these days taste of childhood/memory/yesterday/promise..." -- you get the idea.

[kath3]

I too loved most of it except for the last line as well.

ghosting over grill-hot pavement ... excellent

Thanks for the read addy

[addy]

Thanks for the critique guys ... yeah, i'll probably expand this then.

[critical mass]

Cold pressure in my mouth
breaks in one loud pop.
Overhead, clouds churn,
swirls and peaks
ghosting over grill-hot pavement.

These are delicious, delicious days.

I like the description of the popsicle and the grill-hot pavement, maybe use more food description and expand this. clouds churn remind me of icecream or butter, swirls, icecreamcones, but peaks has no value that I can see immediately. ghosting is out ofcontext, maybe melting as in grilled cheese. Just my opinion

Nice start

David