KerPlunk

[Wjames]

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll back down;
it hit a rock and then a log
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.

[Brownlie]

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down; --Maybe back instead of on it would relate to Sisyphus better.
it hit a rock and then a twig
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.

Sisyphus is always fun. I'm not so sure about back it might fit the meter. Good Luck.

[tectak]

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;
it hit a rock and then a twig Hill, rock...twig(?). Tree, surely.
then stopped on flatter ground.you could lose the double "and" and the double "then" with a simple restructure:
"it hit a rock, glanced of a tree,
coming to rest on flatter ground"

your poem.


He took a drink before the bar...or after the bar. Strains of "Sir, you farted before my wife....Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was her turn"
and watched his vision blur; Interesting way of putting it. Almost like saying he clearly saw his vision blur". I kind of think you got away with this. I couldn't
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her. Cute and unexpected. I am unsure how this happened, or why it happened, or indeed, what the overall message is...but for some reason I don't care. Hmmm

Hi WJ,
There is something appealing in this one but I am not sure it would or is edified by thoughts of Sisyphus It lives in its completeness as a cute cameo using the Kerplunk metaphor as a clue;being the title.
Because you use ABCB DEFE rhyme the first and third lines become largely irrelevant in the form of the piece such that you COULD just make each of the two stanzas rhyming couplets AA BB...now ask me why. Well, to be honest, it is because when read out loud the line breaks just do not figure in the oration. If the line breaks were punctuational (and if that ain't a word it should be) then fair do's...but they are not. So why not.
Nothing wrong with a four line poem as long as everything counts and you have not got much padding in this one as it is; a good thick short one will beat a good thin long one every time, in spite of what some may say
Obvious nits I have tried to pinpoint in the text but overall it is sound.
Best,
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

[quote='Wjames' pid='167778' dateline='1403151824']

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;"on down" is more Kerplunk, otherwise I agree "back down" is stronger.
it hit a rock and then a twig Also agree, you could find a tougher bumper than twig.
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar[b]something specific, rather than "before" maybe--He took a drink at Dooley's Bar. eg.
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.[/quote
Nice Kerplunk ending.

Thanks for posting wjames. I enjoyed this one. - Paul

[Erthona]

Two quatrains written in ballad meter, adequately done. Nice bouncy feel to it. Seems appropriated to the subject.

If one were going for the Sisyphus connection, it should read:

"He pushed the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll back down;"

Thus, it would illustrate the same futility as in the myth. However there is not enough here to say that it is what the writer means, using the above would define that in terms of the "same things keep happening over and over" e.g. "then woke up next to her." Here one assumes "her" is someone who he picked up at the bar, and as his vision was blurry, "she" was probably not a looker. So, I do not know if that was your intent, but tying in the myth of Sisyphus, gives it an understandable extended metaphor which in turn would give it more depth.

Dale

[Truerenigma]

If I may interject I would like to mention that if the author wants the trope, if in fact it is a trope, to carry the full weight of the allusion to thereader then a rock rolled up the hill would be better, or any scene that clearly depicts a laborious yet futile endeavor.

As it is I think there is already a ghost of metaphorical allusion there that doesn't really send the reader off to go look it up because in this case it obviously doesn't fit the whole story since in this case it is pretty clear that the futility is self induced.

It seems to work quiet well.

The author may not have even alluded conciously and the symbol may have simply worked is way in through an inexplicable understanding of effective communication. Balls carry thier own (psychoanalytic) symbols as well and the narrator seems to comes off without any authorial self-consciousness in regards to either.

bang up job on s1 if you ask me.

In s2 he should maybe reconsider "before the bar", possibly "watched his vision blur" but in this case the ball, the trope, the N, the character and the reader are all inside his mind so it's a pretty interesting take!

[Wjames]

I didn't write this with Sisyphus in mind (I hadn't heard of him), but it does add an interesting twist about inevitability to this one. I might switch "on" to "back" in order to flesh out that metaphor, but I'm not sure about that (mainly because I hadn't even heard of Sisyphus when I wrote it).

"Before" was talking about having a drink before going to the bar (not in front of), which I think was the reason I thought "watched his vision blur" would work, because he was still sober when he had that first drink. I still might try to clarify that a bit. It might be worth changing twig to something more substantial as well.

I don't have a problem with all the then's and the and's in the first stanza, so I'll leave that as is for now.

Thanks for the help everyone.

[poe]

[quote='Wjames' pid='167778' dateline='1403151824']

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;"on down" is more Kerplunk, otherwise I agree "back down" is stronger.
it hit a rock and then a twig Also agree, you could find a tougher bumper than twig. How about a log instead of a twig, and that gives some assonance.
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar[b]something specific, rather than "before" maybe--He took a drink at Dooley's Bar. eg.I'm inclined to the idea of "Dooley's bar" or where have you, instead of "before".
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.[/quote
Nice Kerplunk ending. The ending brought forth a chuckle. Not bad.

Thanks for posting wjames. I enjoyed this one. - Paul

Thanks for the post. I enjoyed this one as well.

---

[quote='Tiger the Lion' pid='167821' dateline='1403234521']
[quote='Wjames' pid='167778' dateline='1403151824']

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;"on down" is more Kerplunk, otherwise I agree "back down" is stronger.
it hit a rock and then a twig Also agree, you could find a tougher bumper than twig.
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar[b]something specific, rather than "before" maybe--He took a drink at Dooley's Bar. eg.
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind

then woke up next to her.[/quote
Nice Kerplunk ending.

Thanks for posting wjames. I enjoyed this one. - Paul

How about a log instead of a twig? That gives some assonance.

The ending brought forth a chuckle. Not bad.

[tectak]

I didn't write this with Sisyphus in mind (I hadn't heard of him), but it does add an interesting twist about inevitability to this one. I might switch "on" to "back" in order to flesh out that metaphor, but I'm not sure about that (mainly because I hadn't even heard of Sisyphus when I wrote it).

"Before" was talking about having a drink before going to the bar (not in front of), which I think was the reason I thought "watched his vision blur" would work, because he was still sober when he had that first drink. I still might try to clarify that a bit. It might be worth changing twig to something more substantial as well.

I don't have a problem with all the then's and the and's in the first stanza, so I'll leave that as is for now.

Thanks for the help everyone.

Hi WJ,
Refreshing honesty. Noted. I have no idea where (or why) the Sisyphus interpretation came from...but it is indicative of the need of crits to "read" in to work what is not there instead of reading what is. Accordingly, I applaud you for lack of pretensions and for the conceptual simplicity of the piece. If Kerplunk wasn't a clue to the metaphor then apart from attaching the instructions for the game as a footnote I do not know what else you could have done.
Aha. Now you say "before GOING to the bar" That is quite different to what you wrote. "Before the bar", with no subjective verb, will always be interpreted as chronological, simply because of the commonality of "before" in time-related usage.
The "thens" and "ands" crit is probably a little pre-emptive in this forum but you would be ceremonially cluster-bombed in "serious" for such word usage. By all means keep them...but do not get in to the habit. You will end up writing lists like an infant and then...and then...and...and....and then...then. Believe me, there ae much more fun ways of linking statements than by "then" and "and". You just need to think more
Very best,
tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;
it hit a rock and then a twig
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.

Was reading this again, purely for enjoyment, as I've commented on it already. But this time "flatter ground" made me ask "flatter than what"? Maybe "even ground" might have some effect if it doesn't disrupt your intent. Helpful or not, I thought I'd mention it.

[Truerenigma]

Flatter than the hill?

[Tiger the Lion]

Flatter than the hill?

Haha, trueenigma. That was my point. I must have conveyed it poorly. I meant that I feel "flatter" to be almost redundant. Even or flat would do the job.

[stajas]

What a sweet one
Tough I fail to see the message.. But then again, why
would there be a need for one? This does it's job just
fine..

[Wjames]

I just made a slight edit (two words), I made it in my mind a couple of days ago but I've been busy. I don't have a problem with flatter ground Tiger, but I can see why some might not like it. Thanks everyone for your feedback, I may still circle back to this one to deal with "before" if I think of a sensible way to do so.

[Jwrite]

It's now a redundant even mute point..."before the bar" seems like it could mean many things besides the one you want it to. 1. Drinking prior to bar hopping in order to save money at the bar 2. Drinking before the bar exams to ease nerves 3. Drinking a drink quickly in fear that the bar will drink it first ....etc. why not make it say the one you mean? Is there a reason you want to leave it ambiguous?

---

PS besides that I love it, especially the skip, hop, and jump into bed of the second stanza.

[Wjames]

It's now a redundant even mute point..."before the bar" seems like it could mean many things besides the one you want it to. 1. Drinking prior to bar hopping in order to save money at the bar 2. Drinking before the bar exams to ease nerves 3. Drinking a drink quickly in fear that the bar will drink it first ....etc. why not make it say the one you mean? Is there a reason you want to leave it ambiguous?

---

PS besides that I love it, especially the skip, hop, and jump into bed of the second stanza.

Mainly because it's written in ballad meter, and it will be difficult to clarify without altering the meter or much of the rest of the poem.

[ellajam]

It's now a redundant even mute point..."before the bar" seems like it could mean many things besides the one you want it to. 1. Drinking prior to bar hopping in order to save money at the bar 2. Drinking before the bar exams to ease nerves 3. Drinking a drink quickly in fear that the bar will drink it first ....etc. why not make it say the one you mean? Is there a reason you want to leave it ambiguous?

---

PS besides that I love it, especially the skip, hop, and jump into bed of the second stanza.

Mainly because it's written in ballad meter, and it will be difficult to clarify without altering the meter or much of the rest of the poem.

Hi, W, as others, I've been enjoying this, I just want to comment on your comment.

I've been learning to write in metered forms recently and while it does make it challenging to make changes, it's sometimes worth it to beat my head against it until I can come up with something better that still fits the meter. The poem fulfilling a form's requirements is no excuse for not replacing what doesn't work, it just makes it more of a bitch to do so.

Thanks for the read, good one, love the title.

[Alexearth]

If this has to do with Sisyphus, I fully understand the connection between the two stanzas.

"watched his vision blur" great line



Alex